Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Bigsy-Bitsy Spider

“Keep it simple.”
Rube Goldberg* #quote

CJ's going to be coming over this weekend so that'll be a round of fun on the house. Or a disaster if fun provisions are depleted due to unexpected celebrity cameos. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Bigsy-Bitsy Spider

The Bigsy-bitsy spider
Climbed up the skyscraper
Down came planes
And shot the spider down
Out came the rain
And made the planes land.
And the Bigsy-bitsy spider
Climbed up the skyscraper again  

Monday, November 28, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Sacrificial Ritual

 “I'm a flexible guy.”
Gumby* #quote

Cyber Monday is the digital Black Friday. But really if they wanted to make it feel just like Black Friday everyone's Internet connection needs to slow down to a crawl so that you get that waiting in line experience. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Sacrificial Ritual

          The necromancers are wizards of the darkest of magic. They have a fuel for their magic. Blood and screams mixed with corpses and souls. The vile necromancer Frahri gathered this all up in his dungeon to bring whatever he desired to him. The poor people he captured for his ingredients looked on as he lit candles for his ritual. As he cast his spell the flame of his candles turned from red to blue to black then vanished and the necromancer got what he desired.

           A brand new flat screen TV. Frahri figured if he could he use the dark arts to get it, then he would, he sold his soul to become a necromancer and bothered mastering all this magic after all. Next would come the DVD player and all the seasons of Wizard Idol.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Today's #flashfiction A Lesson In Value

 “Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
The Energizer Bunny* #quote

Do you know why computers always eat a lot at buffets? Because they have so many bytes! That one's a Langdon original. No need for applause. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

A Lesson In Value

          “Daddy, why is gold so expensive?” A child asked his father with that curious expression that children are both famous and infamous for.
           The father looked at his son, and after a brief moment of thought, and gave him the simplest answer he could think of. “Gold is rare. Things that are rarer are more valuable because there is less of it around.”
          “Okay, I think I get it.”
          A few hours later the child held up to his father a sock that he glued various objects onto, including paper clips, and those little silly, wiggly, plastic eyes. Staples along with tape was also on the sock. Various items covered the messy thing.
         “I'll take one million dollars for my Dodadthingie!” the child told his father with a smile.
           “What?” His father asked, perplexed.
           “You told me that things are more expensive the rarer they are. There is only one Dodadthingie in the world. So it should be worth lots of money!”

            The father sighed. “Okay, maybe I didn't explain it properly...”

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Today's #flashfiction A Penny For Your Thoughts

 “Treasure every moment.”
Captain Blackbeard* #quote

Hope all of you who went shopping on Black Friday survived with minimal line lag. (The name I devised for the jet lag like sensation experience created by waiting in line for absurd amounts of time.) Anyway onto the flash fiction!

A Penny For Your Thoughts

           Robots, when they obtained artificial intelligence, became a massive economic force. However their minds lacked several things humans had. Robots could follow deductive reasoning and project results of events. But imagination and things like dreams were beyond them. At least inventing these things on their own. They could absorb this data into their brains. And besides power and repairs experiences from the human imagination and experience were what robots desired.
          Since robots worked harder and faster than humans many humans sold their thoughts for money. If they couldn't invent things they watched television so that robots could download their experiences from humans. When a robot watches TV with just its cameras it just sees the images. But if it downloads the human experience it gets it. They envy humans for being able to create emotions on such a more complex scale than them. If someone's thoughts are particularly engaging their wages could be high. A penny for a complete train of thought was standard. But an epiphany, an emotional burst, or something similar could fetch even more. Each person experiences things differently and in order to keep the economy running the powers that be made sure that thoughts couldn't be shared back and forth so easily. Copyright for experiences and thoughts. Particularly powerful experiences were auctioned. People with reputations for interesting lives charged more, though in general people at tried to set their own prices and work their way to establishing a reputation to how engaging their thoughts are to the robot public.

         What price would you put on your thoughts?

Friday, November 25, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Penguin Zombies

“Live and learn.”
Dracula* #quote

The world would be a better place if there was less pointless blog filler. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Penguin Zombies

         When the zombie plague hit Earth it didn't hit hit penguins. It made their dead rise, and made them invincible. Try to kill them and their body parts would rise again, or like a starfish form into even more zombie penguins. But penguins born in the starfish fashion couldn't be call born really, they were unholy zombies and were often only partially built: heads were often collapsed and and fin and feathers would be missing.
          The zombie penguins waddled all over the world and spread all over. They pecked at the living over and over till only their torn remains scattered the ground. The mangled flesh of the victims of the zombie penguins would then transform into more zombie penguins. With each victim the penguins spread and spread. Every living being becoming a zombie penguin.

          Soon the Earth was filled with nothing but the squawking dead.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Bearilocks And The Three Campers

“15 minutes can save you 15 percent or more on your car insurance.”
Andy Warhol* #quote

Happy Thanksgiving Eve everyone! Maybe yesterday I should have wished y'all a happy Thanksgiving eve eve. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Bearilocks And The Three Campers

          Bearilocks strolled through the forest. She was a happy, hungry grizzly bear. And during her tromping around she found a camp. The family it belonged to was out fishing so she helped herself to it.
             She rummaged through the food.
             The chips were too salty.
             The chocolate was too sweet.
             The bacon was jussssttt right.
             And she saw the three tents belonging to the family. They looked much more comfy then a cave. The daughter's tent was too tiny. The father's tent was too large. The mother's tent was jusssttt right and Bearilocks went to sleep.
           The family came back from their fishing trip.
           “Mom, Dad, I think someone stole our food!”
             The father looked at the missing food and then his tent. “I think somebody went into my tent!”
            The daughter added, “Mine too!”
            The mother looked into hers and saw Bearilocks, “Grizzly bear! Get back in the car!”

            They then drove off and never went camping again.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Technological Age

“Let's go out for a bite.”
Mike Tyson* #quote

I'm well enough to write something in my blog. My teeth are still recovering, but at least I am not currently on fire. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Technological Age

         “Grampa, I found something funny in your closet!”
         “What is it?”
         “It's a box.”
         “Yes. There are boxes in my closet.”
         “But it's a really tiny box.”
         “There are tiny boxes in my closet.”
         “But this one started glowing.”
         “Glowing wha-. Oh, my the thing still has juice in it? Well I don't believe it.”
         “What has juice. I don't see any juice in this box. I can't open up this glowing box.”
         “Oh! That's my cellphone from when I was your age. I thought I lost it for good and it's a miracle it still has power.”
         “What's a cellphone?”

          “A cellphone is what people used to talk to each other before we invented mind-phones. They're kind of similar. That's why the name is alike.”
          The Grandpa didn't want to admit it, but explaining what a cellphone was to his grandchild made him feel really, really old.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Wizard's Morning Paper

“Rise to the occasion.”
Icarus* #quote

My tooth removal has been delayed a day. I had milk with breakfast and apparently I can't have anything like that before the operation so tomorrow must to have a minimalist breakfast(bread and water) along with skipping lunch so that there's nothing in my stomach for the anesthesia to work properly. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Wizard's Morning Paper

          Danar the Wise opened up his newspaper. He was a wizard known for both his incredible magical powers. But also he was a wizard known for his incredibly poor eyesight so he had to wear massive glasses that pressed against cheeks. He read the paper the same he read his magic scrolls, carefully and slowly, with a sort of precision that fit surgery. He always skipped the front page article and went directly to the tiny little article tucked right under it. He couldn't remember where he picked up that habit. It had been ingrained in his dusty old brain for too long.

World Record: 14 Dragons Born in one Litter

          The wizard read the title of the article shocked at first. But as he read on he grew angry.
          “Those idiots!” he roared, “They didn't do their research. The world record is fifteen.” he remembered Xanna the Red Witch, just twenty years ago her dragon had fifteen dragons. He stormed around. He was furious at the sloppy research of this paper, not believing that a professional paper would goof up. He decided he would write them a letter scolding them. Then he thought of going there himself and saying it straight to their faces. He then decided that he would cast a curse on their editor, though Danar couldn't decide what kind of curse was justified for such a mistake.
        Then Danar remembered that Xanna's dragon didn't have fifteen dragons, it had thirteen dragons. They were right, fourteen was a world record. He laughed, sat down and continued reading.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Knightlyness

“If the shoe fits, wear it.”
The Sasquatch* #quote

Going to have my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow. Time for a few days of eating applesauce since chewing ain't going to be an option. Anyway onto the flash fiction!


          When your young you learn about things. Things like chivalry. I learned about it from a great knight named Sir Grahn a long time ago. I didn't know the word for chivalry so in my head I could only call it “knightlyness”. It was the best word my six year old brain could invent for it.

         I learned of Sir Grahn's knightlyness from the way he walked and talked. The way he treated the people of my village when he arrived in our kingdom. With his position he could have looked down upon us but he treated us well. He walked with us like someone walked with nobility. I learned of Sir Grahn's knightlyness when he gave our village some gold to help us through a drought. I learned the most of his knightlyness when the bandits attacked and he died defending us from them.  

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Today's #flashfiction What The Story Could Say

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”
Colonel Sanders* #quote

Do you know what food letters eat? Fontdue! Anyway onto the flash fiction!

What The Story Could Say

A story decided it could say:

The character is first happy.
The character is then sad.
The character is one you'd like.
The character is one you'd hate.
The character is pure.
The character is sinful.
The character is hypothetical.
The character is symbolic.

But afterward the reader decided what the story would say.  

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Today's #flashfiction My Good Day Until A Bad Knight

“Keep it real.”
Pablo Picasso* #quote

Whenever the owls start talking I just yell “Me” back and they fly away. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

My Good Day Until A Bad Knight

         “You know,” I growled, “My day was going just peachy until you showed up.” I whipped my thorny tail about. I held a knight in my claws. “I was just gobbling up some goblins just minding my own business until you showed up shouting your usual human garbage about honor and having to murder for it.” I pulled the knight up to my face and breathed some smoke in his face. “Oh, I have to slay a dragon to become a real knight! That's what you think isn't it? You just have to raid my castle and try to jab that sword of yours into me.” I shook the knight. “You just poke me thinkin' 'oh I bet if I stab him enough I'll kill him and I'll be real knight because I killed a dragon and all the chicks will totally dig me! Is that what you think?”
          “Uh...” the knight I held looked at me awkwardly.
          “Well no! That's not going to happen! At least once a week you idiot humans bother me. Even at the crack of dawn you jump through my window swords drawn screaming! Then I kill you and that seems to create a bizarre fascination that makes me even more important to kill. After all, no one returns, I am the unkillable beast Yjorilix, the strongest dragon! You're worse than the cockroaches!” I then furiously stomped my foot. “Well I'm not playing your game anymore!” I then set the knight on the ground and pointed out the castle gate. “Go home!”
         “What?” The knight looked at me bewildered.
         “I'm not going to kill you. No more epic honor-duels. I'm not going to fight you humans. You're going to home and tell all them that, or so help me I'm going grab you and carry you back to your city!”
          The knight kept standing there.
          “Go! Get! Scoot! Scram!” I yelled.

           The knight hurried out my door. Maybe I should put I sign outside the castle.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Today's #flashfiction 2+2=Story

“Two heads are better than one.”
The Headless Horseman* #quote

There is a great deal of strange things that happen when strange things happen. And a great deal of nothing that happens when nothing happens. Which begs the question of what goes on when nothing strange happens? Anyway onto the flash fiction!



Sunday, November 6, 2016

Today's #flashfiction All Those Who Profit

“Words are meaningless”
Noah Webster* #quote

Sometimes people ask if you're ready to rumble. But personally I think most people are just ready to fumble. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

All Those Who Profit

         Thousands were fed because of that one moment. They all gathered around for the feast, feeding in different places, feeding themselves and their children. So many profited from that moment. But one did not profit by feeding, but caused the feast for the others.

         The provider of the feast was a human and he dumped a corpse in the woods for the thousands of bugs and plants to eat. The provider benefited from the death of the man, his own father. Profited from inheritance of his vast fortune. That's what the bugs profited from the inheritance of his body. Both profiting parities were consumers, but one much more disgusting than all the others.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Bugged Office

“A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!”
Caligula* #quote

Really I think someday we should get a university do a survey of woodchucks asking them how much wood they could chuck so that we could put the issue to rest. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Bugged Office

           The politician's secretary always wondered who her boss talked to during those locked door meetings. They arrived before she did on certain dates and left at her lunch breaks. She never got to see them unlike nearly every other lobbyist. She was surprised that the politician would trust her with the identities of his other backroom dealings but not these ones. Who could it possibly be? According to the donations they were just housing contributors in the campaign. But what kind of people could be such disgusting roaches that even she couldn't be allowed to see them.
          Over time her curiosity took over and she took a peek quietly and saw her boss talking to the most bizarre thing. Something she couldn't even believe was talking. A cluster of actual cockroaches spoke her boss with demands.
         “In order to get our contributions you have to make sure the building laws fit our specifications as usual. They need to be livable and traversable by us. We have new designs that we will be sending to your personal email.” The cockroach noticed the secretary. “Who is that?”
         “My secretary,” the politician replied.

         “She knows too much.” The cockroach told him. The next morning the secretary would be found dead for her curiosity into the dark world of politics.  

Friday, November 4, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Robot's Online Order

“I see dead people.”
The Grim Reaper* #quote

I think the duckbilled platypus happened when God was inventing smoothies and animals at the same time. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Robot's Online Order

           The robot saved and saved, gathered coupon after coupon and made deal after deal with angels and devils alike. All so on the fateful discount day he could order on the magic Internet the ultimate item for a robot to need. Something all robots lust for... usually based on how sophisticated their artificial intelligence that is. Jealousy of humanity made him even beat down other robots who strive to take what was left in stock for him. The moment he could, he clicked.
          He bought a soul. He was so filled with whatever kinds of joy his robotic brain could emulate. He would finally be brought the satisfaction he so desired!

           Well, in 3-5 business days. He couldn't afford to order express delivery.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Evolving A World Through Evil

“Keep it simple.”
Rube Goldberg* #quote

I've watched sitcoms, but I wonder what a standcom is like? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Evolving A World Through Evil

            Survival of the fittest. Got that phrase on a poster in my chamber. The same chamber that lies in a Dimension Cage between worlds. It's where I send evil into those worlds for their own good. You may think that paradoxical in it's nature but it is not.
           Today one world needed a hero. A hero who would be willing to cut down any villain who stood in his way. Who else would be able to defeat the evil king destined to rise to power in that world in twenty years? So I sent dark desires for killing and wealth into the minds of bandits nearby his village and they raided it. To get justice he became the hero that world needed. He became a part of culture. Those that needed to followed in his footsteps. People learned from his mistakes. That world evolved.
            I've made people's lives miserable just so that they strive to find purpose. Many artists are born that way. I've introduced plagues so that scientists may cure them and advance science. Started wars so that the countries may reach treaties that would last in peace for the next five hundred years. I can't feel guilt for doing my job as a god of fate. Society only marches on because I give it something to march over. Spending all these hours coming up with evils for the worlds beneath my Dimension Cage does tire me out, but someone has to do it.

           All in a day's work.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Destructive Babysitting

“I'm just following orders.”
Super Mario* #quote

Two romans walk into a bar, they then say "V beers please." Anyway onto the flash fiction! 

Destructive Babysitting

          “Have we destroyed reality yet?” my little sister asked while she wagged her demon tail.
          “No.” I responded as I worked the spell components with my clawed hands.
          “Did we do it now?” she asked smiling with her razor-like teeth.
          “No.” I repeated. I itched some of my scales before getting back to work on my spell.
          “Is it destroyed now?” she continued.
          “No...” I grumbled.
          “How about now?” she asked leaning towards me.
          “No.” I told her with a quick look before going back to working on my spell.
           She then leaned even closer to me. “Did we do it now? Is reality destroyed?”
           I then glared at her. “Does it look like reality's been destroyed?”
           She looked at the woods we had hid ourselves in. It was a quiet night with a full moon and I had created a small fire to give us light while I set up the components for my spell and did the ritual.              “I guess it doesn't look like reality has been destroyed.” she said with a frown.
            I hated how Mom forced me to bring me along for this trip. But she couldn't get a babysitter so I had to watch her. And the only way I could do that was to bring her along on my reality destroying duties. I'm part of the race of the Greater Demons and one of our race's duties is to destroy realities that haven't followed their fates properly. In this reality a man named James Smith was supposed to pick up a quarter off the street. He did not as fate mandated so the reality had to be annihilated.
           “So what will it look like when reality is destroyed?” she asked me.
            I looked at her annoyed. “It won't look like anything. It's reality being destroyed. When the spell's complete there will be a flash of light and we'll be back home. That's it.”
           “Sounds kinda boring. I thought it would be pretty or crazy looking,” she told me.
             I sighed. “Well not everything is like what you expect.” I continued working on the spell.
             She sat silent for a few minutes.
            “Can I help?” she asked wagging her tail. “I promise I'll be careful.”
             At first I was going to say no, but I figured it would be mean to leave her out. I thought for a moment about something simple she could do. “Alright. But you can only do the simple things because you're not trained at this. Line up those candles and light them. Use that ruler and make sure they are perfectly straight.”
           “Okay!” she said with a smile.
            I continued with the spell and she set up the candles and she checked them again and again. I set up all the components and they were perfectly straight. The spell was ready.
           “Wow,” I said, “You did it just right.” The reason my younger sister did it right wasn't out of any genius or anything but it was out of the fact that she checked the candles for straightness again and again. It was diligence and not skill. She may develop skills in reality destruction in the future, but I was proud that when I let her help she worked hard at it.
I smiled. “The spell is ready. In a moment this reality will be destroyed and fate will be safe once again.”
          “Yay!” she yelled. “Though it's sad all those humans have to die.”
          I glared at her. “It is not sad for an improper reality to be destroyed. Understand?”
        “I understand.” she replied.
         With a snap of my fingers I activated the spell. There was a flash of light. I first expected to be back at home with my sister. Able to watch her while playing some games instead of working. At least enjoyed some of the same video games I did. But we did not wind back up at home and the reality around me stayed intact. I looked around me and noticed that my sister, while setting up the candles, had knocked over one of the spell components I had set up prior. She had ruined the spell. I didn't have the heart to tell her that she had ruined the spell because of how hard she had worked on the candles.
             “Looks like I messed up on the spell.” I told her.
She frowned. “But you never mess up! Did I do something wrong when I set up the candles?”
              I smiled at her. “No, no, no, you set up the candles perfectly.” At least I didn't lie there.
              “Well we can try again.” she said.
              I frowned. “Sorry, but you only got one shot per reality. So we're just gonna head home. I think we're gonna get it on the next reality okay?”
             “Alright!” She smiled.

              I suppose I ought to tell you that the reality saved by sister's mistake was yours, so you should thank her for that.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The First News Broadcast of Intelligent Life

“For it is in giving that we receive.”
Hernán Cortés* #quote

I wonder what it would look like if you turned a tesseract inside-out. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The First News Broadcast of Intelligent Life

          Breaking news everyone! Intelligent life has been discovered! And you know we don't joke during our broadcasts on QNN! The government was keeping it under wraps until contact was peacefully completed but despite their initial fears everything went over peacefully. Our government tells us that their culture is much more peaceful than ours and accepted us with open arms, even giving our ambassadors free food, board, and gifts. The aliens also gave us technology for free to help us with our environmental problems, giving us plenty of technology to make us more energy efficient. They even gave medical technology helping us cure many medical diseases we thought impossible.
          Their cultures are vast. They have music with thousands of possible instruments and they also use technology to create music in ways we could have never imagined before. They are geniuses of the arts as well. They have mastered forms and styles we haven't ever thought of, challenging the very way we look at reality. Their fiction has genres we've never invented and weave tales that stimulate every emotion and create worlds unknown.

         And according to our government these aliens call themselves “humans”.