Monday, October 31, 2016

Today's #flashfiction How Many Doors?

Luca Brasi*

Happy Halloween folks! I wonder if any zombies or other creatures of the night read my blog? If ya do here's a special shout out to you, and onto the flash fiction!

How Many Doors?

           “Exactly fifteen doors my queen. Fifteen doors and we'll be dead.” The servant told his master.
           “We have guards at each one. They're all shut tight. We'll be safe right?” The queen said to her servant.
            “No my queen. We won't be safe. The entire country has revolted. Eventually they will get through. The fifteen doors between the front of the castle and your throne room will fall. The castle is only so big, and eventually the revolutionaries will flood it.” The servant went to his knees. He wanted to give her the comfort that at least one man in the country still wanted to follow her whim.
            “I shouldn't have asked how many doors there were. Even if they don't break through we would just starve in here.” The queen began to cry. “They're going to kill us. Torture me. I-I have tortured them. There has to be some way out.”
            “There is no way to escape the throne room my queen,” The servant responded.
            “There is!” She yelled, “The open window!”
The servant shook his head. “It's a fifty foot drop. You would die.”
             “I'll commit suicide then. I won't let them torture me and give them the satisfaction.” The queen began to tremble in fear. “But I don't think I have the will to kill myself.”
             “My queen..” The servant frowned.
              The queen clenched her fist. “Push me!”
              “W-what?” The servant stuttered with disbelief.
              “Push me through the window. Save me from their wrath. But tell them I was attempting to escape and plan a counterattack. That's what I want the history books to say. You must do this for me.” She saw fear and hesitation in her servant's eyes. “I beg you. I cannot face them.”

              “Yes my queen,” he replied after a deep breath.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Beauty In The Beholder

 “The toe bone connected to the heel bone, The heel bone connected to the foot bone,
The foot bone connected to the leg bone...”
Dr. Frankenstein* #quote

You ever think the Sun get's annoyed that all the planets keep circling her and won't ever leave her alone? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Beauty In The Beholder

          Day in and day out beauty enters my eye. I am the Beholder. A great mythical eye-creature that absorbs all the beauty in the universe to understand and interpret it. To give it true, consistent definition so that it may take form in the souls of those of the universe.
And it sucks.
          The feeling of knowing all beauty and all possible versions has lead me to a sort of perpetual state of boredom. A human like you couldn't understand...well the best way I can explain it is to say it's like this: If you knew all the possible tastes in the universe what would flavor be to you? That is what it is like to know all the beauty in the universe. Truly I wish I didn't know it all at once like this.           Or at least if I could be allowed to see more ugliness. But I cannot neglect my duties.
          Enjoy your narrowmindnessed and ability to see beauty as you do and know more ugliness so that you may appreciate the beauty you do see. It truly is a gift.   

Friday, October 28, 2016

Today's #flashfiction A Quick Human Comedian's Guide On How Not To Offend Robots

“What's that, Lassie? Timmy's fallen down a well?”
The Grim Reaper* #quote

The family's going on shoppin' trip this weekend so that'll be fun. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

A Quick Human Comedian's Guide On How Not To Offend Robots

        Touring the 2075 comedy circuit can be rough. Especially when your dealing with all your robot audiences and your a human fresh to those crowds. Robots can have very different sense of humor. Sentient robot brains are very similar to humans, but there are a few key things you must consider, usually touchy subjects. They'll forgive you for most things, but there are some things just in bad taste for them. Here's a quick guide for new comedians dealing with robot crowds.
         One: Don't joke about the weather. You think it'd be a tiny thing, but for robots the weather is a big problem. Rain without protection would be rusting. Imagine if something like rusting happened on a human! See why they don't like it? Never talk about the weather.
         Two: Don't talk about mechanical sentience before robo-brains were made in a social sense. Really avoid it all costs. You're a comedian. I use the term sentient robot, but that term is fairly politically incorrect in this time, and I did this on purpose to bring this up. If I said sentient robot some of the machines would toss me right out of the club. You say WB, wired brain. We avoid calling robots robots in front of sentient robots now for a reason right? We call them controlled tools. They're sentient now. Treat them that way. Don't talk about the days when all machines were just tools.
          Three: Do not talk about smelling, touching or tasting things. Most wired brains are in bodies that are made for seeing and hearing only because they have to devote so much effort to other tasks. Talk about any other sensory human experiences and they will get mad, out of jealousy, or even feeling your bragging. It's like saying “ha ha you can't taste!” to them.
          Four: Be very careful how you talk about family. Wired brains build children, based on mixing properties of their loved ones, but they can't make lineages or ancestries like us. They won't have the same family identity.
        This guide could go on forever just listing all the things that you could avoid. And that is because wired brains, no matter how little or much they voice it, do not have many of things we biological beings do and differ in fundamental ways. So avoid talking about those things and be mindful of them and you won't offend them.

        However one thing I found out through sheer trial and error through my 20 years as a comedian is that you never, ever joke about techno around a machine. They hate techno. Joking about the robot stereotype that they like techno will get you a metal fist to the face.  

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Scales And Strings

“Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!”
Charles Darwin* #quote

Some people don't wear helmets. And some helmets don't wear people. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Scales And Strings

          Stupid. Human. Instruments. They sound terrible. They're terrible to play. I'm strumming this guitar with my claws. It sounds horrid. Humans played with picks. They look like the flat claws of a baby to me. Dragons shouldn't have to play these instruments. But I have to play these human instruments in my music class. Why didn't I pick the flute?

         Oh right, because where the guitar sits is right next to my crush. She has the most beautiful scarlet scales.  

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Take Me Out To The Zombie Apocalypse

 “Let's split up gang!”
Alien* #quote

It's funny how unloosen and loosen mean the exact same thing. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Take Me Out To The Zombie Apocalypse

Take me out to the zombie apocalypse,
Take me out with the undead;
Just buy me some weapons and some rations,
I don't care if I never get back.
Let me root, root, root for the humans,
If they don't win, it's the end.
For it's one, two, three bites, you're out,
At this new apocalypse.

Katie Casey led a group in the apocalypse,
Knew the survivors by their first names.
Told them they needed to fight,
All along,
Good and strong.
When the zombies outnumbered them two to one,
Katie Casey knew what to do,
Just to cheer up the survivors she knew,
She made the gang sing this song:

Take me out to the zombie apocalypse,
Take me out with the undead;
Just buy me some weapons and some rations,
I don't care if I never get back.
Let me root, root, root for the humans,
If they don't win, it's the end.
For it's one, two, three bites, you're out,
At this new apocalypse.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Knight Be Nimble

“Quoth the raven nevermore.”
Angry Birds* #quote

Went to my doctor today. I have a surgical implant that helps with my epilepsy and their scan showed that it's running low on batteries. So I'm going to have to have surgery to replace the battery. Not looking forward to that. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Knight Be Nimble

The Knight be nimble
The Knight be quick
The Knight jump over
The griffon chick
The Knight continued to kill
All the monsters till
He tried to kill one
And it bit into his bone
The Knight was no longer nimble
The Knight was no longer quick
He couldn't even jump over

A candlestick

Monday, October 24, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Alien's Battle Plan

 “An apple a day keeps the doctor away!”
William Tell* #quote

You'd ever think the Big Bad Wolf ever though of going through the windows? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Alien's Battle Plan

            Many science fiction works have portrayed aliens as being vastly powerful and scary. Human imagination comes up with some terrifying tales. But in truth the most frightening and over the top of the works are not even from human minds.
            Aliens have been funding and creating propaganda to make works of fiction that make aliens look powerful for a very long time. They are constantly working to get an image into the human cultural knowledge as it develops for their eventual arrival.

           The reason they would create such an image? In truth they are really wimpy people and just want to look scary and intimidating for when they make first contact so we don't beat them up.  

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Spy Bomb Diffusing Class

 “Clothes make the man.”
Spongebob Squarepants* #quote

Science says that everything doesn't revolve around the Earth. Humanity's attitude sometimes says something quite different. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Spy Bomb Diffusing Class

          Now listen up spies, people say it's always the red wire that you cut on a bomb to stop it. If spies followed this advice many of them would be dead. It's not always the red wire. Sometimes it's the blue wire. Sometimes there aren't any wires. So spies let's take a short bomb diffusing lesson from a sample scenario.
          So let's say you're hanging over a pit of robot sharks in acid. A standard trap in many a supervillain lair and something you will probably run into in your spy career. You're being lowered into the deathtrap slowly by rope while the villain taunts you. Meanwhile the villain has set off nuclear bomb to go critical after your death. He plans to escape after seeing your demise to the deathtrap personally. He is in front of the nuclear bomb which is a massive ball with all its wiring exposed for the convenience of this lesson. What do you do?
          The first part of the answer is to escape the death trap by dramatically swinging with the rope so that you're outside the tank as the traps lowers so that only the rope will lower into the acid burning and therefore releasing you.
          However if you thought that the second part of the answer was to go after the exposed wiring you're wrong. You should actually go after the supervillain and beat up him up until he tells you how to turn it off, or otherwise just unplug it or something. Just turning it off is better than causing a meltdown by pulling out its wiring.

          So that's your first bomb lesson future spies. Remember it's not always the red wire! Except when it is.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Ant's Aunt

 “Too much sugar is bad for you.”
Willy Wonka* #quote

It's seems that Jessica will be coming over today as well so that'll be a funorama with CJ involved as well. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Ant's Aunt

         Family relations are quite the terrible thing to some insects. One little ant named Sally(Her true name a bunch of ant pheromones, but we'll translate it as that) learned that one day when she saw the feud begin between her mother and her aunt. Though the mother and aunt never met and merely laid eggs. Two rival queens each born at a colony far away now made theirs close to each other.
         Sally saw the two colonies fight over food. Her sisters would kill her cousins. So much death, but that is the way of ants and the survival of the fittest. The fighting saw an end though when a strange natural disaster came in. Sally didn't know what a bulldozer was but a human home replaced the other colony and now created a new source of food as well. Later they would deal with poisons and traps, but the immediate threat of the ant's aunt to ant was gone.

         As generations went on, humans or no humans in the area, ants would spread. Queens would make their colonies and little ants like Sally would continue to have to deal with their aunts and cousins for the scraps of food the world would offer them.  

Friday, October 21, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Software Pirate

“My eyes are up here.”
Medusa* #quote

CJ's going to be coming over this week so that'll be nice. Hopefully I won't have too many seizures. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Software Pirate

        “Arrr,” said the black-bearded software pirate in anger as he held morning coffee in tired disdain of the morning. His right hand firmly hooked around his mouse while he clasped his mouse. He lazily pegged one of his legs on his desk. He wore a black baseball cap with a skull on it along with a black t-shirt with the same skull.
        “Stupid computer, squawk, stupid computer!” The software pirate's pet parrot mimicked him from the previous day. The parrot then imitated the answering machine. “Davey the boss wants the software. Get the software!”
        “You just got to remind me huh little buddy,” Davey replied. He put down his coffee and pulled out a cracker from his desk drawer and threw it between the cage bars to the parrot. It took owning the parrot for awhile to learn how to do that, and baseball with his Dad when he was young, to learn how to throw. “Don't worry Jolly, my little feathered friend, we'll get the software the boss wants and get all the money we need for all the crackers you want.”
       Davey laughed to himself. He knew that only talked to his pet parrot most of the time. He probably needed more friends. Or even better a girlfriend. Well, once the boss paid him the three million he won't have any problem getting either. Invest and he'll be a rich man for quite some time.
The operation was risky, and difficult. He pirated and stole music and games for most of his life. Cracking the security of game companies. Not exactly Fort Knox. But recently he decided to pirate software inside a Fort Knox. Military software. He didn't feel afraid though. On the screen it all looked the same. It's not like he saw men with guns. Just firewalls and whatever else. As harmless as any other company. Right?
        A few hours of work later and he plundered the program from the military server and onto his computer. When it finished downloading he smiled and thought of all the fancy cars he would have. With the three million the boss would be paying him and a bit of hacking of the stock exchange he knew he could be one of the richest men alive. Davey didn't put much thought into what the boss would be doing with the military program.
       The door to his apartment was then kicked down. He heard the crash several rooms over. He heard many footsteps with a proclamation of his full name, the phrase “we have a warrant” and his furniture being overturned.
       He quickly pushed a few keys on his keyboard. An ultimate backup plan. It dumped the files on his computer into a hidden remote area of the Internet and began to wipe his computer clean. That was a great deal of data, as his computer was more like twenty computers combined into one to make a homemade supercomputer. He had to steal most of the parts from the computer company he worked for in his day job as they were out of what he could possibly afford.
      The footsteps belonged to what looked like a combination of S.W.A.T. and Marines. Had they caught him poking around the military servers beforehand? Was he in that much trouble? Was him actually pulling the data the thing they needed to arrest him? These questions ran through his head. Stealing the data finally became scary where instead of just working on his computer and dealing with websites and hacking he was staring down real people with real weapons who considered him a real threat. With the guns they must have thought he might have been a bigger operation. Though considering how much he was going to paid for it, maybe he was part of something he couldn't even fathom.

      It didn't matter how big he was as an operation though. They arrested him. The computer managed to be wiped in time that they couldn't find evidence of him having the stolen data, but they did have enough evidence of him accessing the servers and several other crimes. A trial later put the notorious pirate away for several years. But he never revealed the location of where he buried his hidden data on the Internet. Perhaps some hacker will find his treasure someday.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Different Kinds Of Collectibles

 “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.”
Wile E. Coyote*

People keep asking if someone knows the muffin man. The muffin man must be some sort of celebrity that you've got to have connections to meet. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Different Kinds Of Collectibles

Some people collect toys. They can be cool and cute and neat in many ways.
There are so many kinds.
Some people collect antiques. They have such a history, and can be so interesting.
There are so many kinds.
Some people collect cars. They're impressive, can be fancy, humble and so much more.
There are so many kinds.
Some people collect cards. Some for baseball, some you can play games. Either way just fun!
There are so many kinds.
People collect so many things. So many, many kinds of things. Maybe too many to list.
What do aliens collect? People. They're fun to abduct, and are incredible, complex and intricate.

There are so many kinds.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Zombie's Trodding

“What would you do for a Klondike Bar?”
The Fast And The Furious* #quote

Today I had junk food. You'd think we'd all stop eating it after we started calling it “junk” food. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Zombie's Trodding

           I trod. I trod. I trod. I'm not mindless. There's some thought left in this body. Though the desire to eat brains probably comes from the desire for more thoughts. When I eat brains I get the thoughts. I become human again. I get the memories and minds of those victims in me for even a few fleeting moments. But soon my body finishes consuming the brain and my consciousness becomes more basic. Back to being not mindless, but only have enough thoughts to desire more, and desiring the humanity I had when alive. Though all I can do is imitate it by consuming others. I wish I could know if I had a family. Or what my job was like. Or my hobbies. My only option is to eat every kind of brain there is and experience every life so could know all the kinds of things I could have what experienced during my living life.
          But will my undead body last that long? As I walk with the other undead I see living people with guns loading their weapons. And then they take aim. And then they fire.

           My rotting limbs fall to the ground and my head rolls off my torso and into a hole. I wish I could remember my life from before so it could flash before my eyes.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Five Clues!?

 “Stop pushing my buttons.”
Super Mario* #quote

Seizures were down today so that was good. Hopefully they'll stay down through the whole week. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Five Clues!?

          Barry rolled the dice and moved his game piece across the spaces. He picked up the card from the stack that matched the color of the space and by giving five single-word clues tried to get his team to guess what was written on the card. He tended to always give the best clues and get the most points. He'd seen every single card a thousand times over, and they had to make new cards sometimes since they'd play the game so much. Him so much more. The game, “Five Clues!?”, had tattered edges on its cardboard and the box, despite the care given to it, got some heavy bangs over the years. Barry remembered the times he played it in his youth, long before white hairs covered his head. And he wondered why, after so many years, he still played this dumb, old game with his family.

         He looked around and saw all the smiles when his team scored a point, and the rest of the family eager for their turn, and he remembered why. Did his grandfather play the game with him for all the smiles? And how many generations of the family would play for all the smiles, no matter how repetitive the game got?

Monday, October 17, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Anti-Story

“Let's take a breather.”
Darth Vader*

Do you think scientists first thought of calling bees aees? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Anti-Story

A hero appears!

A heroine appears!

The heroine is removed from the story with no explanation!
She reappears with no explanation!
Fifteen new one-dimensional characters appear and become friends with the protagonists!

Stuff happens!

A villain appears!

Nothing happens!

Even more nothing happens!

Yup, even more nothing!

A wee bit more nothing!

Hero and villain become and antagonistic: For no reason!

Hero and villain get in battle where neither can win!

Everyone gets amnesia from space alien plot device!

THE END: Nothing is resolved!

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Refund From The Wishing Well

“Seek and ye shall find.”
Waldo* #quote

Had fun with CJ today. Better than not having fun. Or having an invasion of zombies. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Refund From The Wishing Well

         “Mr. Magic Wishing Well I want a refund!” One little boy shouted into a well during a hot summer's day.
         “ doesn't work like that,” Though the spirit of the Magic Wishing Well hardly spoke to humans it responded to this unique statement.
         “Well I paid you a whole quarter that I got for my tooth from the tooth fairy and you didn't give me my wish so I want my money back!”
         “Um, you asked for dinosaur best friend that could do all your homework. I couldn't grant that.”
         “Yeah, so I want a refund.”
         “Well, I can't give you a refund.”
         “Why not?”
         “I can't.”
         “Dad get's a refund at the hardware store, I should get a refund here.”
         “I'm not a hardware store.”
         “Do I need to talk to your manager?”
         “What!? I don't have a manager!”
         “Funny, that's what Dad always says when he wants a refund.”
          “I'm not a hardware store, and I don't have a manager!”
         “Then I'll sue!”
         “You can't sue a wishing well kid!”
         “That always works on TV.”
         “Just go home kid.”
         “No. It hurt to get my tooth pulled out. So either give me my wish or give me a refund.”
         “Wishing wells can't give refunds. Offerings in wells are a one way ticket! It's a rule!”
         “I'm not leaving until I get a refund, and I'm going to file a complaint!”
         “You can't file a complaint! That's impossible!”
         “I'm still not leaving!”
         “Fine, well it's not possible for me to give you a refund I guess I have no choice...”

The little boy then got his wish for a dinosaur best friend that could do all his homework.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Dinner Mob Wars

“Size matters not.”
Gulliver* #quote

I wonder if popsicles were cheap during the ice age? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Dinner Mob Wars

           Once the Steak Police lost their dominance in the Dinner Table City no one was safe. Every meal was up for grabs with each mob family waging war for dominance over it all. Most were easily crushed, the war being swift and brutal. The war met an ugly stalemate when two equally strong families took dominance over various plates all over Dinner Table City. The Fruits and the Veggies. Since they were evenly matched the fighting was long and grueling, much ketchup was spilled. The profits from illegal salt and pepper passing fueled the mob wars. It seemed like nothing could lead to peace in Dinner Table City.

           Then dessert was served. The Ice Cream special forces came in. They personally went after the mob bosses of the Fruit and Veggie families and eliminated them. Chaos ensued as people tried to fill in the power vacuum, but the Ice Cream special forces managed to launch special operations to bust each usurper of power one by one. Dinner Table City was saved.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Today's #flashfiction One Little Mistake

 “Measure twice, cut once.”
Freddy Kruger* #quote

CJ's coming over this weekend, so hopefully no alien mutants drop by. They always hog the video games. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

One Little Mistake

\         “You locked the keys inside the getaway car.” The Brains resisted punching the brawn. “How could you be such an idiot!?”
           The Brawn shrugged. “Could have been born that way?” He still held the bags of money from the bank with ease.
            The Comic Relief, honked the clown nose on his black bank robber's mask then interjected,                 “Hyuk! Let's just find a way to open the car and get on outta her before the coppers grab and bag us!”
             The Brains tried to pick the lock on the door. He failed. The Brawn tried to break in by force. He failed. The Comic Relief tried to use pie. He failed.

            The police nabbed the bank robbers, who learned a lesson in making sure to worry about all the little details.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Computer, Computer

“Winter is coming.”
Jack Frost* #quote

You ever wonder if print books make fun of ebooks since they're spineless? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Computer, Computer

           “Computer, computer in my lab...who's the smartest of them all?” asked the mad scientist.
           “Why you are the smartest of them all.” The artificial intelligence inside responded. Even with his madness the scientist was the smartest of them all.
           “Computer, computer in my lab...who's the smartest of them all?” he kept asking everyday.
           “Why you are the smartest of them all.” The artificial intelligence inside responded back in turn.
           But many years passed and something changed with the coming of a new generation.
           “Computer, computer in my lab...who's the smartest of them all?” he asked one day.
           “Raine Black is the smartest of them all.”
           The egotistical mad scientist freaked and looked up who such a person was. A young girl, rocketing through college. Just as smart as he is but without madness or ego to hold her back.

           The mad scientist decided he needed to get rid of competition in order to sleep well at night and approached her one day with poisoned coffee. Raine Black was too smart to fall for such a trick and soon the scientist was in prison for attempted murder and Raine Black lived happily ever after with the seven short robots she built.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Man Who Awoke

“Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get.”
Nostradamus* #quote

Do you think people see shrinks if they think they're too tall? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Man Who Awoke

          My head, damn my aching head. What happened last night? Too wild a party? My eyes opened. Light's bright. Everything's blurry, my vision's doubled, tripled? I'm seeing the ceiling and the floor at the same time. Both are gray, but the floor's tiled and covered with water and the ceiling’s covered with these eerie lights.
          I looked into the water and see that my hands are blurry and their fingers appear to have increased. How bad is my vision now? I decided to get up so I stuck out my legs. But I saw arms and more fingers. I put out my other arm. My vision became less blurry while I woke up more. I didn't have legs and instead only had arms. Even without the blur my hands had more fingers. Seven each.
          As I gazed across the room I realized my vision came from three eyes. Not everything came into focus. But I saw people standing around me. I couldn't get up. I turned my head and saw I was stuck to a heavy bean bag sized piece of flesh with arms and heads coming out of it.
         “This one didn't even detach from the biomass,” one of the people around me said.

         “Then let's put it to sleep.” Another responded. The person who responded walked over to me and stuck a needle in me and I never woke up again.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Violinist On The Hill

“It was Colonel Mustard, in the kitchen, with the wrench!”
Sherlock Holmes* #quote

People are afraid of nightmares, but shouldn't they be afraid of daymares? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Violinist On The Hill

           Everyday the violinist Edwin would play for his love on a hill while the Sun set. That's when he played his best and worked his hardest to make the most wonderful sounds whirl around in the air above the hill for her. Edwin felt happiest at this time. And they kept meeting at this hill, talking hours away as he spun melodies, even until the time they were married and afterward. They lived near the hill so it was easy to go there when the children settled down, and even easier when the children grew up and moved out.

           Edwin never stopped going there and playing for his wife, even after she died, both of them agreed to be buried on their hill together. And every sunset until he died himself he would sit in front of his wife's tombstone and play for her, hoping his music was beautiful enough that the sounds could reach Heaven. He still felt his happiest when he played for her.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Procrastinating Inventor

“I'm calling your bluff.”
Professor Xavier* #quote

A Tyrannosaurs Rex walks into a bar...and now there's no more bar. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Procrastinating Inventor

         “I think I'll finish the time machine after the game is over,” said the lazy scientist.
         “I think I'll finish the time machine after lunch,” said the lazy scientist.
         “I think I'll finish the time machine after I check my email,” said the lazy scientist.
         “I think I'll finish the time machine after I watch some T.V.” said the lazy scientist.
         “I think I'll finish the time machine after dinner,” said the lazy scientist.
          “I think I'll finish the time machine tomorrow,” said the lazy scientist.
          Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
            A week of laziness passes.
           “I think I'll finish the time machine Monday,” said the lazy scientist.
          Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
            A month of laziness passes.
           “I have to finish the time machine! The power source is growing unstable!” yelled the lazy scientist.
            Tick-tock! Tick-Tock!
           The after some hard, hasty work the sloppily constructed time machine started.
          “No, what's going on? That's not right! Did I make some sort of mistake?” the lazy scientist was pulled into a wormhole and twisted through time, his mind being wiped in the process.

           “I think I'll finish the time machine after the game is over,” said the lazy scientist.”

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Alien's Negotiations

“The early bird gets the worm.”
Ra* #quote

If walls could talk do you think they'd complain about your decorating? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Alien's Negotiations

         “Three thousand Flargs,” the alien salesman said in a strange language while his tentacles flapped around on his face.
         “Three thousand? That's ridiculous!” The potential buyer was more like a slug than the salesman who resembled more of a lobster. But both had twelve tentacles flailing over their mouths as they talked. “Two thousand Flargs.”
          The salesman's tentacles wrapped together as a spoke, a sort of otherworldly smile. “Now Sir, you are obviously a collector and you know how rare this is. My shop is one of rarities and we went to a lot of work to get this. The permits alone to get ships to go to the planets to get these kinds of products and get them to our stores are massive capital. Our prices are reasonable. But I'd say I can cut it down since you are a regular. How about Twenty-five hundred Flargs?”
         “Twenty-two hundred and you have a deal.” The buyer pulled out his identification and interplanetary credit cards.

           The salesman added, “Enjoy your purchase.” The salesman loved the buyer. A collector like him always came back for more. After all, humans keep releasing comic books for his store to import and sell to human media fanatics like him. However wearing the human disguises when on Earth to get product was always the most uncomfortable thing he's ever done. Though he'd forget about the pain of wearing the disguise when he spent all the Flargs he made.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Best Metric

 “You put your right leg in and you shake it all about!”
Dirty Dancing* #quote

Went out to eat with my parents today. I ate a French Omelet. Do you think French Omelets have ever gone to war with English Muffins? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Best Metric

          A bunch of starving artists lived together as roommates. There was one pizza slice leftover from last night and they couldn't decide who could get it. Before they started beating each other with their canvases, Ted, the shortest and wisest in the group said.
        “We could draw straws.”
         It made sense to them. So they all took out their sketchbooks, their pencils, and began to draw straws. Whoever drew the most convincing, beautiful, realistic straw would get the pizza slice. What's fair is fair right?
        Soon they finished their art. All of their drawings could make angels sing. They all agreed they needed an impartial judge. They asked the landlord of the apartment complex and he replied,
        “You did this over a pizza? I knew you guys were a bunch o' loons.”
They still wanted an answer.
         “Eh, ennie, meenie, moe!” The landlord said while picking a piece. Bill, the most timid of the artists, had his selected. All the other artists gave him a pat on the back, despite their intense malice for his victory they remained the best of friends.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Ruining Ruins

 “Good things come to those who wait.”
Groundhog Day* #quote

If all the colored stickers fall off of a Rubix's Cube do you still win? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Ruining Ruins

         We'll construct a city! We'll make a monument! The people decide to leave their mark on the land. Magnificent structures are built and the ruins of the old are wiped out, harvested for materials, or damaged to a shadow of their former selves to make room for the new.
         Many, many, years later some new voices speak: We'll construct a city! We'll make a monument! The people decide to leave their mark on the land. Magnificent structures are built and the ruins of the old are wiped out.

        Then after that it begins again and again. All as humanity marches on. Every person that cries “We'll build a city!” is building eventual ruins.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Dinosaur's Thoughts

 “There is a disturbance in the force.”
Einstein* #quote

Movies and TV is getting big on gritty reboots these days. I wonder how long it'll take before they get to making a rated R Sesame Street. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Dinosaur's Thoughts

(Huh, that's weird, that looks like a rock in the sky. That doesn't make sense. Rocks don't fly.)
(Yeah, rocks don't fly! They don't even have wings!)
(But there it is flying. Huh. Maybe I should tell Ted about this. A flying rock is interesting.)
(Hmm? That's weird, the flying rock is getting bigger.)
(That's impossible. Rocks don't grow. That's just silly.)
(Ohhh, wait, wait I think I figured it's a falling rock!)
(Dunno, where it fell from though.)
(Lemme see if moving helps me figure out where it's falling from.)
(Nope, no matter where I go I don't see any place where it could have dropped from.)
(Looks like it just came from the sky above. How strange.)
(Oh, um, wow, it just keeps lookin' bigger and bigger.)
(By my scales it's on fire too. That can't be good.)
(Maybe I should run now.)


Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Today's #flashfiction A Genie Finds A Genie

“Stripes are very slimming.”
Betsy Ross* #quote

Played Scrabble with Grandma today. Managed to score 100 points in one play. Scrabblicious. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

A Genie Finds A Genie

          One day a genie named Tom found another genie. The genie got three wishes, as per genie company policy.
           First Wish: Tom wished for freedom from being a genie.
           Tom then became a talking chicken.
           Second Wish: To stop being a talking chicken.
           He became a genie once again.
           “Why are you doing this to me?” He asked the other genie he found.
           “Sorry my genie brother. It's company policy to mess with anybody who wishes, even if they are another genie.” He frowned.
           “Well I know how this goes then. I'm not even using my last wish...I know what kind of things company policy makes you do.” Tom knew the kind of things genie company policy made genies do to wishers and what he'd done to wishers himself. “Thanks for taking it easy on me. I'm heading back to my lamp.”

           The lesson here? Not even a genies do well with genies. So don't take wishes from strangers kids!  

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Semicolon Is The Loneliest Punctuation Mark

“'ve got to ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?"”
Wheel of Fortune*

I wonder if origami artists consider paper cuts an occupational hazard. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Semicolon Is The Loneliest Punctuation Mark

; ----> Exclamation Point, do you know why nobody likes me?
! -----> I like're my best friend.
; -----> I meant everybody else. Not just the other punctuation marks but the humans too.
! -----> Well, maybe they're just judging you on your looks. Maybe you look intimidating because you're both a period and a comma at the same time.
; -----> Really? You think it's intimidating? Question Mark said I look like a freak and should stay away from period and comma just not to scare them.
! -----> Don't listen to Question know he's a jerk. You'd get along with plenty of people.
+ ----> Hey Exclamation Point, how's it going?
! ----> Hey Plus Sign. What brings a mathematical symbol to our side of town.
+ ---> Just hangin''s that?
; ----> Hi! My name is semicolon!
+ ---> Never heard of ya.
; ----> I'm a punctuation mark just like Exclamation Point. Wanna hang out?
+ ---> Nah, I'll's just. You're one thing on top of another. And in math land...well one thing on top of the other is exponential and things always get complicated when that I'll pass. I don't wanna be rude...but I gotta go.
; ----> I told you nobody likes me Exclamation Point.
: ----> Hey little bro.
; ----> Hey, colon.
: ----> How's it going?
; ----> Fine. Just hanging out with Exclamation Point.
: ----> Hah, that loser? I told you, you can totally hang out with my crew.
; -----> Hey, Exclamation Point is my best friend! And I don't like any of your friends. They're all hotheaded, idiots. All Start Quote can do is repeat someone else's opinion. He can't come up with any original ideas. Besides who to freeload off of. And you keep making me pay back everything you owe to End Quote!
: -----> Why you...!
! -----> Stop your arguing! Ampersand is coming over here!
; -----> Wait Ampersand?
: The hottest, curviest punctuation symbol of them all?
& ----> So guys, what are you talking about?
: ----> Manly things.
; ----> Astrophysics.
! ----> Puppies.
& ----> Right...
: ----> I must say you are looking beautiful today Ampersand.
& ----> That's what all the men say. Besides Ellipses. He never says anything. To anyone. Ever.
; -----> We look the same everyday. Isn't saying she looks beautiful today kinda stupid? It's kinda like saying the sky is blue today.
! -----> Haha, Semicolon is right. We always do look the same.
& ----> So you're the ever-elusive, legendary Semicolon?
: ----> Legendary? My brother is no legend.
& ----> Well you see him so little people hardly know he exists. I think I've ever hardly been in the same sentence with him or anyone else for that matter. And you all know how easy it is to forget a single sentence. I think the humans have a phobia of him. Maybe he's too cool for 'em? Hehe.
: ----> He's a freak! Look at the comma tail!
& ----> I think the comma tail is cute.
; -----> What?
! ----> Oh, Ampersand, he was too nervous to say it but Semicolon was planning to ask you out on a date.
& ----> I'd love to. He is very mysterious and unused. So few humans use him. Makes him feel forbidden y'know?
: ----> I hate you Exclamation Point.

! ----> I'm just helping out a friend; I got you back for calling me a loser too.

Monday, October 3, 2016

Today's #flashfiction A Day In The Life Of Len Woods The Time Traveler

Hi Ho Hi Ho , Its Off To Work We Go!!”
The A-Team*

Next time you're doing a mundane task, like laundry or vacuuming or something, imagine that you're doing it surrounded by an intense battle from Lord of The Rings while epic orchestra music plays. It'll make it a little less dull. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

A Day in the Life of Len Woods The Time Traveler

7:00 AM- Len wakes up and eats breakfast. Looks at his plans for today's heist.

8:00 AM -Len travels back in time to ancient Egypt to steal a valuable item of his choosing.

9:00 AM -Len is shot to death by several officers after violently resisting arrest.
10:00 AM -Len returns from ancient Egypt with with the item to sell on the black market.

11:00 AM -Time police arrive at Len's mansion with arrest warrant for his abuse of time travel over the years. Len sees them and flees into his time machine. He grabs his portable time machine, which only allows time travel throughout the frame of a single day and flees.
NOON: With their technology the officers detect Len's use of a portable device and send some of their own in pursuit, leaving a few behind as backup.

1:00 PM: The backup officers die in a massive explosion.

2:00 PM: Officers arrive from the future and steal Len's car to prevent his escape.

3:00 PM: Len arrives from future and attempts to get his car and realizes the officers have taken it before getting close enough for them to notice. Starts fleeing to a friend's house.

4:00 PM: Reaches the friend's house who is also a fellow criminal, but on parole for her own time travel crimes.

5:00 PM: The time police come into the house to retrieve Len near the end of the hour.

6:00 PM: Len's friend apologies and says she needs any sort of reward money for Len's capture. Len retreats to 9:00

7:00 PM: Len's friend decides whether or not to call the time police upon seeing her friend. Decides to call them and keep the current timeline stable instead of canceling it and keeping her friend at her home.

8:00 PM: Len's friend cries herself to sleep.

9:00 PM: Len comes out a time portal from when he originally fled at 11:00. Seeing the front part of his mansion in ruin and an unstable time effect he pulls out a bomb from his belt, one of the many weapons he takes on his time travel trips and throws it back in time.

10:00 PM: Len gathers his valuables from the parts of his home that were not destroyed in the explosion.

11:00 PM: Officers arrive through a portal made from their own portable time devices. Len panics as he assumed he killed them all. He flees. The day is coming to close and he knows he can only leap forward when the next day comes. But leaping too close to the next day would destabilize the belt. He flees backward in time two hours.

MIDNIGHT: Officers close in on Len outside his home. They missed him in pursuit as he fled at 11:00, they travel further back in time, instead of going at 11:00 AM as they did the first time, they arrive at 9:00 AM

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Ruined Infamy

“Don't sweat the little details.”
Gulliver's Travels* #quote

Had fun with CJ today, as usual there weren't too many alien attacks.

Ruined Infamy

          The supervillain readied his weather control device. Soon the name Doctor Weatherize would be known the world over as something to be feared. He would make a hurricane for each continent, and each would move from the bottom of the continent to the top. Several nations of his choosing would be devastated in the most prime locations.
          He would become the most infamous villain of them all. His dreams made him ready for this.
However he did forget to unzip one of the .destruction files he put in the program. So instead he created a very pleasant change in weather. Rain where there were droughts. Sun where an unusually harsh winter hit. Things became all around better. People loved it and scientists and the military traced it all to him.

         He was forced to become a hero...fame was a second best option for him, but after the world forced the role on him he was fine with it. Well, okay, the little bit of the evil that remained of heart did miss his lost destiny. But not everyone can get what they want.  

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Today's #flashfiction A Sketchy Man

 “An apple a day keeps the doctor away!”
William Tell* #quote

I wonder... how much a suitcase and a basketcase have in common? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

A Sketchy Man

         A man named Timothy Wallows was arrested for being just too sketchy. He tried to hid how sketchy he had been from the police and everyone around him, but eventually he had been caught being sketchy red handed and the police found evidence of all his sketchiness.
       “You can't put me in prison for just being sketchy!” He told the judge and jury.
The prosecution countered, “When you sketch blueprints for bank robberies, stalk women, and perform corporate espionage then you can be put away for being sketchy!” The prosecution pointed to the stack of sketches in the courtroom Timothy Wallows made of all his subjects that the police confiscated as evidence.

       The sketchy man hoped that his mistakes could have been erased, but the sentence was carried out.