Saturday, April 30, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Finding A Place In The Song

 “Everyone has a right to privacy.”
Big Brother* #quote

In Star Trek the holodeck can simulate anything. Or can it? Wouldn't it crash like any computer if you make it simulates itself? (Which would cause quite the nasty loop. Since itself would be simulating a holodeck simulating itself. That in turn would lead into another layer of holodeck simulating itself forever). The thing's gotta run out of memory eventually right? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Finding A Place In The Song

Take me out to the hmm not here ball game,
Take me this isn't comfortable either out to with the crowd;
Buy me better some peanuts and Cracker Jack,
I don't worse care if I never get back.
Let me much better root, root, root for the home team,
If they I think I'm close don't win, it's a shame.
For it's now this is a cozy place one, two, three, strikes, you're out,
At the old ball game.

The song spirit rested happily when he found the perfect spot in the song. He may move in awhile but he was content with this melody and these lyrics for now.

Friday, April 29, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Gliding Stars

 “Can you hear me now?”
E.T.* #quote

If you ever have absolutely nothing to do, read the newspaper upside down. When you try this waste of time long enough you'll realize that you do actually have something worth doing. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Gliding Stars

       There are falling stars, and there are rising stars, but rarely do people discuss gliding stars. Gliding stars are not the dramatic, shining celebrities of humanity that rising stars are. Nor are they the beautiful gleams of light across the sky that are falling stars. Gliding stars are the steady lights that roam the ground. They are important, but are incredibly bland merely in their regularity.

       They are the lights on people's cars, front and back. They glide along the road with us and are often unappreciated. Though if you're every on an airplane and look down on a large city with thousands upon thousands of cars in it, you'll easily see how their lights are much like those of the sky and easily make constellations of their own.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Alien's Shopping List

 “Don't get friend-zoned.”
Casanova* #quote

Went to the last meeting of my gaming club today. Kinda of sad since I'll have to wait awhile for it to start again. It's a school club I can attend even though I'm on medical leave, but since it's still school it takes a break for summer. It'll be fun when it comes back though. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Alien's Shopping List

3 UFO Headlights
1 Mysterious Light Emitter
1 How-To-Abduct Guide
1 Milky Way Traveler's Guide
1 Earth's Tour Guide
1 Memory Eraser
3 Spare Probes
36 Tentacle Socks
36 Tentacle Shoes
24 Contact Lenses
1 Space Suit
1 Universal Translator

1 Mini-Fridge w/ Soda and Snacks

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Place To Be

 “It has a nutty flavor.”
Sigmund Freud* #quote

I wonder how different the Betabet is from the Alphabet. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Place To Be

         “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” An expression discussing people's desire for what they do not have. It is always better over there. No matter what you have, the other place is better. Well Fred the fence finds people's reliance on this phrase annoying. Offensive really. All this talk about grass. Considering whether or not to be on the other side of the fence and the lesson of maybe just staying where you are. What about the feelings of the fence? What about his opinion? He knows all about the grass. Fred knows how green all the grass is.

         Fred thinks it's better to be “on the fence” then anywhere else.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Nate The Note

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.”
Wile E. Coyote* #quote

Everything is getting digitized these days. That's a problem since I think that “throw the ebook at them” doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Nate The Note

         Nate the note sat in his proper place on the music sheet. All the notes did. The melody must be read right so the song may be beautiful. Can't have the musician, no matter how inexperienced, lose his opportunity to bring the music to life. So was the philosophy of note society.
        But Nate thought differently. He didn't care about whoever needed him to make the melody work. He didn't care about the song. He just wanted to be free. So he left off his line, bumping into other notes and bouncing off bars and notation of all kinds. The other notes looked in shock. Someone would destroy the song? Why? Why destroy the meaning of life?

       The answer was simple for Nate. He wanted to see what was beyond his page. So the little note hopped into the world to see everything the universe had to offer. Music and all.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Dangerous Man

 “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”
Geppetto* #quote

I wonder how many bookbirds there are? After all I've heard of bookworms. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Dangerous Man

       A man stared me straight in the eyes. A man that scared me quite a bit. He smiled with a wide grin I could tell was fake. That forced his dark emotions at bay. He dressed normal, shirt and pants, but his black hair was scruffy and his skin had scars in places very close to his viens. He breathed heavy, in and out, in a rhythm like the ticking and tocking of an old grandfather clock. I knew this man could hurt me. Possibly would. Violent thoughts must have been spinning around in that head of his.

     So I put down the mirror.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Harsh Critic

 “Take time to stop and smell the roses.”
The Energizer Bunny* #quote

Building a house of cards is pretty hard, especially when it gets really high. I wonder how hard it'd be to build a house of credit cards. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Harsh Critic

          “Oh, you look dreadful. That dress hardly matches your eyes.” The critic said. “You two, get closer together, you look like you'd make a good couple. Yes, I see it now, that'd be a photo worth taking! Pose like that and your ugly mugs might be worth looking at.”
         Nobody responded to critic. They didn't hear his comments on their image and how they should arrange themselves for aesthetics. They stared back at him for awhile with thoughtful looks, then moved on.
        More people came to replace and critic continued. “Definitely some more photogenic people, but the fashion is still terrible. Is this day absolutely hopeless? I'd like to get a good look at some nice, well dressed people that'd make a wonderful image for my memories to treasure.”

       The people couldn't hear the painting as he continued to criticize them. But they analyzed him, oblivious to his ranting about their looks. They'd move onto the piece in the art gallery. Maybe the sculpture would be less judgmental than the painting.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Improvise-A-Bear

 “It's good to be well-rounded.”
Flat Stanley* #quote

If you ever feel like spicing up your life with a little variety here's a little trick: next time you want to say “put a sock in it” you can instead say, “put a sandal in it”.


        Little Anne's grandmother sewed many different marvelous things for her shop. She also made things for her family. Little Anne had a teddy bear her grandmother gave her for her birthday one year. Anne admired her grandmother's skill, and one year she got the idea in her head to make her own bear. But she decided to do it on her own.
         Thing was she really didn't know how. She'd only caught glimpses of grandma making them. But she thought she could figure it out. It couldn't be too complicated to at least make one...right?
She began with many supplies she secretly pilfered from her grandmother. Two blue and green sheets since she couldn't find anything else on a shelf she could reach. She did manage to get red thread and needle her grandma left out along with some scissors.
        She started to fold the two sheets on top of each other making a vague sausage shape. She cut it them into some smaller pieces. She then tried to thread it together. At this point Little Anne, through poking herself a few times, realized she had no idea how to sew. So she went and got the stapler. With this and more cutting she managed to make a better bear shape.
        She then remembered she needed to stuff it. She however did not have any stuffing. So she grabbed what she could from the house that could possibly work. A few marbles, a dollar bill, some paper, newspaper, an old rag were some of the more pleasant items that went into the bear. Fortunately she did have the sense not to pick anything that would rot.

        Eventually her grandmother found Little Anne. The child had completed the bear. Stapled together and pumped with glue to keep its shape. The grandmother simply smiled.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Bent Out Of Shape

 “More fun than a barrel full of monkeys!”
Jane Goodall* #quote

CJ won't be coming over this weekend, however I will still manage to have a funtastic time. I will be occupying myself with shenanigans that may or may not involve clogging with gnomes.

Bent Out Of Shape

         On an ordinary day I relaxed in my favorite spot as usual. But before I could comprehend what it was a mysterious force lifted me up and began bending my body. It crushed my sides into each other. Again and again it did this. I had no control as the force mechanically smashed me into a new form.

         It then lifted me high and threw me. A simple sheet of paper before the mysterious thing granted me the power of flight. It all felt like a wondrous dream. I don't ever want to unfold. This was always what I was meant to be.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Today's #flashfiction When You Can't Get A Spouse, You Can Get A Table

 “The toe bone connected to the heel bone, The heel bone connected to the foot bone,
The foot bone connected to the leg bone...”
Dr. Frankenstein* #quote

Cj may be coming over this weekend so that will probably be a fun-circus of funtainment. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

When You Can't Get A Spouse, You Can Get A Table

          John was a stunning bachelor. He thought he could probably even get on that show involving being an attractive bachelor, if only he could remember the name. He could probably get a girl. Maybe. But his non-committal attitude prevented him from getting a wife. He could however buy a table, it did many of the same things a good wife could.
            When you need help they can hold something for you.
             If you're lonely they'll always be there for you.
            You can bring them on vacations.
            You can confide all you're secrets in them and they would never tell.
            And you can sit by them, on those romantic moonlit nights.
            John's true love lived just a couple blocks down. They hadn't met yet and when they did they would kick it off and wed. But that was going to be a year from now. But Arianna had the same non-committal attitude that John did so she bought a table in the meantime. It did many of the same things a good husband could do.
            When you need help they can hold something for you.
            If you're lonely they'll always be there for you.
            You can bring them on vacations.
            You can confide all you're secrets in them and they would never tell.
             And you can sit by them, on those romantic moonlit nights.

             John and Arianna's wedding was a beautiful one when they finally did decide to marry. They were perfect for each other. After all with how non-committal(at least relationship wise) they were that's what it would take for them to marry. They were so perfectly matched they even had a similar taste in tables.  

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Television Of Ages Past

“Save the trees!”
Paul Bunyan* #quote

Do they still give you paper tickets for paper airplanes? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Television Of Ages Past

          The whole family sat around the television set watching their favorite program. The sound had static and the colors were in black and white. It took a few knob turns on the brand new TV to tune the TV to the channel they were looking for, but it was worth it. That show about their favorite two comedians joking about baseball made them all laugh.

         The father smiled while he looked at the screen, “I say this television was worth every penny. Television isn't going to get better than this!”

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Wherewolf

 “There's spring in the air.”
Tigger* #quote

How do you make a skeleton laugh? By tickling his funny bone! Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Wherewolf

            Esteemed monster hunter Vincent Blade killed many monsters over the years. So many that even powerful creatures like vampires feared him. For charity to save a small town, or for hire, he'd kill any monster. He'd do this with incredible skill, encyclopedic knowledge, and intense preparation. The beasts fought him on his terms. Vincent Blade was actually a pseudonym so that monsters wouldn't try to hunt him down.
           However one monster did get the better of him. Not because they deduced Vincent's actual identity and hunted him down. No, when the monster killed him Vincent was on the hunt. Vincent prepared for the fight. Incredible aim. Silver bullets. He planned to take out that werewolf that night like he did so many, through good preparation and skill.

           But Vincent made a fatal error. He misread the kill request. He was hunting a “wherewolf” not a werewolf. The silver bullet did nothing to the wherewolf. Vincent's mistake meant he didn't have the right weakness for the monster. A wherewolf is hurt by gold, not silver bullets. A wherewolf gets its namesake from being able to turn invisible. This meant that even if silver bullets could have slowed the beast down for Vincent to escape, once the first shot didn't prove to be a killing blow the monster hunter fell to the fangs of wherewolf.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Birds And The Gears

“Quoth the raven nevermore.”
Angry Birds* #quote

You can never trust the news these days, they don't check their facts at all. Otherwise why would the weather forecasts be wrong so much? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Birds And The Gears

            One day a young little robot asked his parents where baby robots came from. The parents didn't want to explain the robot child factory and upgrades all robots go through at each stage of maturity, that would be beyond awkward. (parent robots watch over and raise young robots but don't physically create them). So the father did the first thing he could think of.
             “Well son, see there's a bunch of fairies in a magical land in the North.”
             “Yes, and they put all their fairy dust on all the metal we're made out of and it turns into us.”
             “Fairy dust.”
              “Of course! Then they all work together using their magic to fly you to us for us to raise you.”
               “You just made that up.”

               The mother robot glared at the father robot and he responded to her, “Oh like you could have made up anything better in two seconds!”

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Merchant And The City

 “No such thing as bad publicity.”
Genghis Khan* #quote

Going to be headin' to the movies tomorrow so that'll be fun. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Merchant And The City

            An old merchant looked out over the horizon. A titanic mountain that once engulfed him in its massive shadow appeared only as a tiny bump in the distance. He smiled. He'd traveled a lot but that cozy city next to the mountain really gave him some nice sights. A church with a marvelous statue, and a big tree whose branches stretched over the lake. The citizens negotiated fairly with him, he didn't need to try and sucker them to make a profit. The merchant especially loved the new robes the tailor made for him. Elegant craftsmanship for such a small town. That kind of talent can't be taught.
           While the merchant reminiscence and his driver continued the caravan forward the mountain rumbled. Then the mountain snapped open with dirt and lava shooting into the air. The powerful blast from the mountain caused a thunderous roar than nearly sent the merchant's horses fleeing. Luckily the driver managed to reign them in.

          The merchant didn't know what quite to do. He decided that at most he could do was be thankful for his luck and mourn for the city. He kept on going on with his life, the city living on in his heart.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Ventriloquist And His Dummy

“May the force be with you.”
Isaac Newton* #quote

I remembered that clocks keep the time, so I stared at one for a bit and even after I asked it the thing refused to give any of my time back. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Ventriloquist And His Dummy

           The ventriloquist forced his dummy to jabber on and on. Some jokes good, some jokes just plain awful. But every night the ventriloquist practiced his routine, whether his dummy liked it or not. After all a dummy has no choice in the matter. Even if their forced to do it for hours on end, their mouths and bodies forced to move to another's whim.

          And in this situation the ventriloquist was the model made of wood and human the dummy. Some nights the human cried while the wooden man made his dummy's body act. But that's show business!

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Today's #flashfiction #freeshortstory The Mob Boss's Will

 “Time to put on our game faces.”
The Phantom Of The Opera* #quote

Here's something funny, “Police police police police.” is a grammatically correct sentence. That's became police police police police right? You've gotta love it when police police police police. And as a single sentence you can simply say, “Police police police police.” It's just stating fact. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Mob Boss's Will

        Despite all the violence in the criminal “businesses” the head of the Garratone family died of natural causes. Mr. Garrtone made most mob bosses look like incompetent fools when it came to running an efficient criminal enterprise. With a facade morality by doing evil but then feeling remorse and apologizing later he was willing to cross lines than gain favor and get in good graces. He did, in a strangely, actually feel sorry for what he did. But he never stopped being greedy. His life existed as a cycle of self-satisfaction and guilt.
        And when his life ended it became apparent that he chose to die that way as well. When his will was read to the family they learned that he gave away all his wealth to the most solid, reputable, good-natured charities out there. Mr. Garrtone chose not to give away all his wealth while he lived but only when he died. Living greedy and cruel and only repenting after death.
        His family despised this decision. The mob boss gave some them money while he lived, but to lose all their massive inheritance was a grueling blow to them. The family of criminals worked to take the money from the charities. They hired the best lawyers they could and bribed or threatened the lawyers that stood against them.
          They almost got their money back until one lawyer came forward. A woman from a small town who only was introduced to big cities when she went to law school. But she didn't even live near the Garrtone family. The story was in the news but people soon feared actually going towards the case. The woman came up with a different plan than just going into court and questioning the wording of the bill.
          “Who're are you?” The son of Mr. Garrtone said the next time he went to one of the meetings with the charities to threaten them.
           “My name is Elizabeth Talon,” the lawyer said to him. “All the charities you have been suing for contents for the will are doing multiple counter suits against you. A settlement for dropping your case is offered. However if you go forward part of their suits will require a thorough investigation of all your businesses.”

           The son of Mr. Garrtone had no idea how this lawyer managed to find all the loopholes legal stonewalls his own lawyers created in order to create the such a trap for them, but he knew that if their businesses were investigated than all their criminal enterprises could be discovered and they could be landed in prison for a very long time. And the police have been looking for an excuse to investigate them for years. The mob family dropped all lawsuits against all the charities and all the charities kept the massive fortunes for their causes.  

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Everyone Has Standards

 “My spider sense is tingling!”
Little Miss Muffet* #quote

Some say that there's a universe for every single possible way things could have turned out. But what if there's only one way things could have turned out? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Everyone Has Standards

          Micheal worked the counter at the local pizza joint. The position of the restaurant allowed them to service a lot of deliveries but few people visited the physical place. The young college student actually started to recognize the people who regularly came in instead of asking for delivery.
         However one day, someone came into the store not to order, but to complain. And the man reeked. Micheal, at first thought it might have been him, but he didn't spill anything on his nice uniform. He tried to keep it as clean as possible. No the person that came in smelled like rot. Like dead.
         Micheal soon realized the customer was dead. A zombie walked in the door, holding a pizza box and an angry expression on a half-gone face. The clothes on the customer were at least clean, and somehow the zombie looked like it had bathed, but the unmistakable scent of death wafted from the creature who's skin tore open in spots to reveal organs and skeletons.
          “I demand a refund!” The zombie then slammed the pizza box on the counter and opened it at Micheal. “Look at the pineapples on my pizza...they're obviously past the expiration date. You're commercials say you only have the freshest ingredients. Well I don't eat food that's gone bad!”

          The zombie presented his receipt and was given a refund. He left the pizza joint in a huff, a maggot crawling out from the back of his neck.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Something In Common

 “If you can't beat em' join em'.”
Ole Kirk Christiansen* #quote

What did the clown say to the plumber? He said, “Hello.” Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Something In Common

             A superhero and his nemesis sat at a table playing a board game together. They were both bored out of their mind. The villain wanted to cause havoc and the hero wanted to stop it. The usual dance between them that caused onlookers to jaws to drop. But today both of them had one thing in common that prevented them from dueling as they always did.

           They both shared the common cold.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Fork In The Road

 “Throw it out the window.”
Bill Gates* #quote

A few days back a watched a video on how to count higher than infinity. It was interesting, it got into different kinds of infinity and such. Math is weird. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Fork In The Road

          A pilgrim came to a fork in the road. This road did not have one sign to tell him where him what lie at the end of direction of the fork. It actually many signs. He began to read them, desperate to find where the next town was.
         “Left leads to Ambertown,” read one aged sign.
          “No it doesn't,” the sign right next to it commented.
          “Totally does!” proclaimed a sign tacked onto the same pole as the second one.
          “Really you should head right,” a sign with blue text contradicted.
          “I agree, right is the safe path.” This next sign had text scrawled with blood.
           A sign in the middle was a stop sign, except it had “GO” instead of “STOP”.

           The pilgrim read the signs over and over but couldn't figure out any way to interpret them to make a proper decision. So he took out a coin and flipped it. Left fork. If it leads to doom then he'd be happier blaming the coin than himself.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Callthorn Journals

 “The butler did it!”
Sherlock Holmes* #quote

There are daydreamers out there. But I assume there must also be afternoon dreamers. And evening dreamers. People do try to sneak in power naps whenever they can so there must be dreams all the time. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Callthorn Journals

          The Callthorn family's house had it's own little library tucked away in the upper floor. The family never purchased it's books. Every single one of them was written by a member of the family. And not a single one of them fiction. Well at least if the author's word is to be believed, as they are all journals.
          In 1806 the great-great-etc. Grandfather of the current generation Callthorns decided to make a journal of his hunting trips. Afterward he decided that he enjoyed writing a journal and wrote down what he did everyday and what he heard about everyday in the papers or from people around town. When the space in a journal ran out he went on to the next journal to write. (He did have the luxury to afford as many of these as he pleased. The Callthorn family was a rich lineage.) He suggested the practice to his son who took it on. The son had his children do it and over time the whole Callthorn linage made journals and sent them to the library. Every moment of history they lived and witnessed recorded in the family library.
           Their neighbors, the Redwoods, took a fancy to their idea after the first few generations. So two journal libraries of history co-existed right next to each other. Yet the journals told versions of events very differently as each family looked through the years of reality through separate eyes.
           It's easy to wonder how historians choose who's accounts become the truth in history books. 


Saturday, April 9, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Clone Seasons

 “Grab the bull by the horns.”
King Minos* #quote

CJ's coming over today so that should at least be two monkey barrels worth of fun. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Clone Seasons

         “Why aren't we agreeing!?” The scientist yelled, completely baffled.
         “Because you're an idiot Winter!” his clone Spring responded. Or was it the original?
         Three copies of a scientist and an original sat in a room, and the original. The original scientist was lonely and bad at making friends so he made made clones of himself and to distinguish themselves they called each other by the four seasons. Due to the fact the cloning machine involved original scientist stepping in and a bright flash of light, nobody technically knew who the original was.
         “I still say we should go trying to pick up chicks instead of arguing over what movie to watch tonight,” Summer said. He laid lazily in a beanbag chair while Fall kept looking through more movies on the smart TV they spent their big chunk of income on. Spring insisted on a western but Winter wouldn't have it.
          Winter now put his hand on his chin, looking at the situation more as a conundrum then just a frustration. “I don't get it. We're the same person. We should want to watch the same thing.”
         “Still think we should be trying to pick up chicks. With four of us we should be able to have four times the chance. Trial and error! Lessons learned. Plenty of fish in the sea.”
Fall then commented, “You know that we couldn't get girls before the cloning why do you think that we could get them now?”
          Winter then said, “How the hell could we be so different? We're the same person!” He remembered when he turned twenty one, and having the idea to clone himself while he experienced drowning his sorrows in beer. A brilliant man he managed to pull it off at the day after his twenty third birthday.
          Summer then said, “I dunno man, I still don't know where Spring's love of westerns comes from.”
         Spring then replied, “When we got the smart TV and the movie subscription service, which was worth eating nothing but microwave food and ramen for three months by the way, I started watching the westerns while I handled some of my share of the chores.”
       Winter's face nearly froze when he put the pieces together. “I know why we're arguing. Why we're having difficulty being friends like planned. It's been four years since the original cloning. We've changed as people. And we're going to keep changing, and arguing. And it's going to go back to what it was like before. Where I'm all alone.” He worked to hold back tears as the memories of loneliness came.

       Summer then shrugged. “Or y'know we could work together and pick up chicks.”

Friday, April 8, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Mannequin Diva

“Keep it simple.”
Rube Goldberg* #quote

I was thinking about snakes and ladders...and I thought, what about ladders made of snakes? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Mannequin Diva

        Bah, these idiot shoppers! They're not getting it! I'm modeling the perfect dress, obviously the height of fashion, and none of them are pulling it off the shelf! Doesn't anyone know what a fine mannequin like myself is for? They show you what is what. If they're going to pull out some bills, or swipe their credit cards then they should get something worth getting, what I'm modeling for them. The perfect dress. Another ugly woman grabs a drab dress. Oh, wait...yes, yes...she grabbed it! She grabbed my dress! Now I guess she isn't as ugly as I thought. I mean you can't be hideous when you're dressing like me, the ideal figure modeling for the world.

        Oh, the store owner is putting another dress on me. This one's red. Obviously now this is the height of fashion! Everybody should know they should follow my lead, the lead of the glamorous store mannequin.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Wizard's Email

“Hygiene is two thirds of health.”

I wonder what it would have been like if instead of a top hat Abraham Lincoln wore a bottom hat, or a side hat, or maybe even a diagonal hat? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Wizard's Email


         I am manager of funds for the Ianerign Wizards Guild. Last week a member of our guild died in an unfortunate rabid griffon attack. He is a wealthy, senior member of the guild and left a large sum of his guild funds in an abandoned account: A total of 20,500,100 gold coins. His family wants to get the money of their deceased relative but cannot because of legalities. A foreign account is needed to transfer the funds.
        I have contacted you because you have the right kind of foreign account needed to transfer the funds to the family. As compensation for your help the family has agreed to pay you ten percent of the deceased wizards 20,500,100 gold coins. If you are interested in helping this family getting their inheritance respond with your phone number, address, any other contact emails, all bank account names and passwords, and true magic soul name. This will all ensure that we can move the money quickly and efficiently and get you your compensation quickly.
        Thank you for your cooperation, the Ianerign Wizards Guild thanks you.    

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Quincy The Carpenter

 “Laugh and the whole world laughs with you.”
Oscar The Grouch* #quote

I think they should make an un-reality show. It'd be just a blank screen. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Quincy The Carpenter

         Quincy's muscles were tough, aged to a rugged strength through years of hard work. Many times he replaced his tools because of rust, not breakage. He crafted beautiful furniture with intricate patterns or rush jobs with the bare minimum while brown dust flew onto his skin.

       Quincy also had no need for tiny workshop he used. Or to make the works that he did. Long ago he used to make a living off his work, but through lucky investments became a billionaire later in life. But that didn't change how he viewed things. He loved to work. Until the day he died Quincy was a carpenter, making his craft as he always had, while the world expected him to retire.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Today's #flashfiction You've Been Voted Off The Campsite

 “I lost my train of thought.”
Thomas The Tank Engine* #quote

If you feel like it maybe sometime you should measure your foot and see how close it is to being a foot long. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

You've Been Voted Off The Campsite

         The contestants gathered around the campfire with the host. The wind blew gently and the birds chirped merry tunes. Spring brought timid weather to these woods. The hidden cameras along with the more obvious cameramen nestled in the bushes along with cute little squirrels.
          “I swear if I have to have another picnic in the Sun I'm going to go insane.”
Another contestant added, “Bass, trout, meatloaf. We're eating different foods each meal. It's making have to hum, 'it's for the prize money' at night.”
           A third contestant then said, “Let's just get onto the voting okay? I don't want to talk about it.”
Yet the host, for the sake of the show, prompted them to talk about their misery at the campsite. All the fishing, sandwich making, game playing and exploration of the woods and what they felt like when they ran across other campers. Eventually the voting did come and each one cast their ballot in front of the camera, though the order would be edited at home to keep up suspense.
          “Orllix, you've been voted off the campsite,” the host said.

            Orllix then said, “Well, I'm not sticking around to talk about my feelings anymore because if there's no prize money there's no reason for me to stick around in this hellhole.” Orllix went to the teleporter as soon as possible to head back to his home planet and take off the disguise he'd been forced to wear for the “Galactic Campers Show: Can You Camp On Another Planet?”

Monday, April 4, 2016

Today's #flashfiction The Time-Outs Of The Mischievous Gods

“Just keep on truckin'”
Optimus Prime* #quote

When someone breaks wind, who puts it back together? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Time-Outs Of The Mischievous Gods

Terrible gods damage Earth that only their parents keep them at bay.
Causing a meteor to strike?
Time-out for a naughty god.
Natural disasters striking?
Time-outs for naughty gods!
The black plauge, smallpox, polio or otherwise, is just a time-out for a naughty god.
The parent's of the gods would give time-outs of decades, centuries or more.
The gods would often do good too with things like fair weather, and plentiful crops.

But disaster struck based on when a naughty, mischievous young god got out of time-out.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Salad Bar

“Be wery, wery quiet I'm hunting wabbits.”
Alice, Alice In Wonderland* #quote

Unless there's unexpected tea time with the Mole People Jessica should be coming over as planned today. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Salad Bar

         The Caesar Salad had way too much to drink. Dressing filled his body. In Foodland various dishes took form and salads resembled humans with their lettuce for their skin. Garden grabbed his friend and said, “You're not going anyway Caesar. Not until that dressing goes through your system and the extra drains.”
         Caesar replied, “I'm fine! He wobbled as the weight of the dressing pushed against his lettuce.”
Garden let go of his friend. That bit of toughness he used on Caesar before already gone. He decided that confrontation would begin to become too awkward. The dressing he had probably allowed him to make that assertion. But salad's aren't usually strong dishes, though there are exceptions. Garden never drank more dressing then he should. That was so that he'd knew he'd be perfect when he moved on to The Other Side.

         But he looked over at Caesar walk onto to the end of the bar, full of dressing. Garden knew Caesar should be sitting down. Waiting. But then Caesar fell apart from the weight of the dressing, croutons falling out and rolling through the salad bar. Garden knew he should have stopped Caesar, and one of the croutons stopped right at his feet.

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Meet Zani

“Anybody can beat a polygraph.”
Pinocchio* #quote

They say that money makes the world go round. But they also say that gravity does. Maybe that means that you can buy gravity? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Meet Zani

         Howdy! My name's Zanitoron the wizard, but my friends call me Zani. Get it? Cuz y'know, the word zany spelled with a y sounds just like my name shortened and um, well this got off to an awkward start. Let's just try to get to point...which was...what again? Okay, I've got notes inside my robe pocket. No not there. Other pocket? Yes other pocket!
         Okay you're great-great-great wow that's a lot of greats grandparents sold their descendant's souls for wealth. Jerks. And see that's where I come in, the whole soul selling thing is a misunderstanding. It's more of a curse that takes over your soul for a determined set of time since a soul can never be owned. At least that's what I read in the 101 book in college.
          The curse is going to activate tomorrow but good for you I'm here! Magical world government treaty gives mundane world magical assistance at times of need including curse management. I work for the company contracted for that. I'm a professional. I'll have that curse off you in a jiffy. Started last week so I know I have beginner’s luck.
           Now I know that my manual in the bottom pocket. See this little book is great. Makes sure I know what I'm doing. I just look up what I forget. You won't be able to read it though, it's written in magical runes. And I can't teach you in any short amount of time. I got my degree and I'm still forgetting some.
           Okay so let's see here. Yeah, page 72 that's you're curse. No wait it isn't. Glad I didn't start casting. 100. Page 100. That's the one I'm certain! No, nevermind. Okay page forty. This time I'm like 95% percent sure. Three snaps. Hakooakkahh, yei, lo, pop, pickle, and two more snaps! There, as long as you avoid exposure to hellfire the curse shouldn't take control of your soul tomorrow.

          You might be getting a feedback form. Be sure to give it top marks for me m'kay?

Friday, April 1, 2016

Today's #flashfiction Kane's Cannon

“I've just perfected an Electronic Hair Bat-Analyzer which may hold the key to this baffling question.”
Christian Bale*

My friend Jessica is coming over this weekend so that'll be stacks of funness. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Kane's Cannon

          “We need artillery!” The commander shouted while the castle he was entrusted to protect was being besieged. “With it we can knock out their catapults. Our archers can only do so much!”
           “Lord Kane, we have no artillery, the last commander to use this castle took it all,” the second in command did not like being the bearer of bad news. His leader did not take his anger out on his subordinates, but the charisma that got Kane his position made him one of those people who's mood fills the entire room. If he's happy you feel happy, if he's sad you feel sad. He radiates.
          The commander clenched his fist and said to his second-in-command, “Captain Bernard, you're absolutely certain there is no artillery of any kind in the castle?”
          The captain replied, “Well there is technically one cannon that's a display piece.”
           Lord Kane then waved his arms in the air, “Then why didn't you tell me in the first place! A cannon is a cannon! It doesn't matter if it's a display piece!”
          Captain Bernard then meekly replied, “Sir, the problem is's made of glass.”
          For what felt like an hour to the captain the commander didn't say anything. Then the commander shrugged and said, “A cannon is a cannon.”
          After pulling it up to the castle walls they loaded it up piles of gunpowder and a cannonball. They aimed it at the enemy artillery. Then the commander shouted, “Now!” Everyone on the castle walls retreated. This confused the enemy. They did not notice the clear glass cannon and they focused mostly on the archers firing on them anyway. They assumed Lord Kane had nothing but archers. And to see them retreating made no sense. The enemy commander said to charge since he thought they simply ran out of arrows. The enemy started to climb the wall with ladders. Kane had put a long fuse on the cannon instead of a few second one. In about thirty seconds his soldiers managed to get behind cover and the cannon fired.
         The cannonball went toward the artillery and the cannon itself shattered and flew in every direction. Kane's troops were unharmed because they were behind cover. Most of the opposing general's forces were hit with pieces of glass from the cannon. And the cannonball itself took out one of the enemy catapults.

          The enemy surrendered immediately afterward out of fear of Lord Kane possibly having another glass cannon.