Saturday, May 31, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #TheBestMetric

“15 minutes can save you 15 percent or more on your car insurance.”
Andy Warhol* #quote

Today I went to my card game thing. Tomorrow I'll be going to the second one of the weekend. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Best Metric

       A bunch of starving artists lived together as roommates. There was one pizza slice leftover from last night and they couldn't decide who could get it. Before they started beating each other with their canvases, Ted, the shortest and wisest in the group said.
       “We could draw straws.”
       It made sense to them. So they all took out their sketchbooks, their pencils, and began to draw straws. Whoever drew the most convincing, beautiful, realistic straw would get the pizza slice. What's fair is fair right?
       Soon they finished their art. All of their drawings could make angels sing. They all agreed they needed an impartial judge. They asked the landlord of the apartment complex and he replied,
       “You did this over a pizza? I knew you guys were a bunch o' loons.”
They still wanted an answer.

       “Eh, ennie, meenie, that one!” Bill, the most timid of the artists, had his selected. All the other artists gave him a pat on the back, despite their intense malice for his victory they remained the best of friends.

Friday, May 30, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #WhatTheSageLeftOnTheMountain

“I didn't mean to barge in.”
The Kool-Aid Man* #quote

          Tomorrow I'm going to my card game thing. Much fun will be had, perhaps even more than usual as I will be using my favorite Pokemon guy Probopass. He's extremely weird, silly, and dumb...and that's why I like him! Sure there may be dragons, but who needs those when you can play with a metal creature with a giant nose resembling one of those Easter island heads?

What The Sage Left On The Mountain

           Once there lived a sage on a mountain. Many came seeking his advice and wisdom. He knew much and often the answer to any question. (He could tap into the secrets of the cosmos like that). He enjoyed helping people for many years. Eventually though he grew tired of it. He still wished to help people but didn't want to do it himself. The Great Laziness of old age hit him. So he used his powers to consult the energies of the cosmos to seek his answer.
           Now when people visit his mountaintop they first run across a computer with satellite Internet connection. Next to it carved in the rock is: “If you cannot find your answer on the Internet, they you may ask me.”
           No one asked him a question again.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #SadMeals

“Hygiene is two thirds of health.”

      Today my family watched Last Comic Standing. It had comedians on it. Who would have thunk? I thought they'd be stacking comic books and seeing which one would take the longest to tip over. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Sad Meals

        Some restaurants may sell optimist meal packages. McWaldons sold Sad Meals.
        Sad Meals meals didn't come with toys. Sometimes they came with pictures of wounded or dying puppies in pounds. (The puppy pictures came in sets so you could collect them all!) Or also a spreadsheet of depressing statistics or gloomy fortunes.
         The signature of Sad Meals was the Hangman toy. It was a toy of a person with a noose around their neck with a name tag on it. The name was of someone that died that day(the toy would be picked to match of course. They prided themselves on making sure at least the gender was right).  Even though it would make the meals extra sad to make all the people in the meals young, they did all demographics for an added effect too.
         After the introduction of Sad Meals McWaldons didn't last long and declared bankruptcy fairly quickly.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #TheToasterThatWantedMore

“Just remember to be yourself.”
Rich Little* #quote

       Today I conformed to society’s, extreme, inflexible, overbearing, moral code and didn't steal a stop sign from the street. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Toaster That Wanted More

        The usual fate of a toaster is to only toast things. And for the toaster in the Marlo household that's all their toaster should do. Things are to do what they are meant to do! Well the tale of the toaster in the Marlo household is an inspirational one.
        By some mishap of magic or some otherworldly working, the Marlo toaster had a soul. And it wanted to be more than a mere toaster. So much that it willed itself into a human form! It created its own name, identity, and became a citizen...blending into the world as if it had been human all along.
       No one suspected the toaster as it became educated, and entered the business world, amassing wealth and contacts. It made friends, enemies and even married and had a family. Eventually it left business to join politics. The United States had a toaster for president, and he served the country well, along with the world. Relationships around the globe became more peaceful and he stopped war for decades.
     There is a sad note to this tale. The Marlo household had to buy a new toaster to replace the one that mysteriously vanished. That just ruined their week.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #TheFaithfulGiant

“Nobody respects my privacy.”
The Loch Ness Monster* #quote

      Today my mother went to her writer's meeting while father and I remained home and did nothing of significance.

The Faithful Giant

      The old, old computer sat in the office. Never thrown away or placed in storage. Almost kept like a memento of the father's youth in the household. Covered in dust the old thing stayed erect like a tombstone to the seventies with its giant screen and bulky body.
      Mr. Colton, the father and businessman who owned the computer walked into his office. He used his modern computer for everything now. However today that machine would have an unfortunate crash. Deader than dead with a critical failure that a call to tech support told him that couldn't be fixed.
      He panicked. A vital document needed to be created in moments. A trip to the local library crossed his mind. But would that take too long? He looked over to that old computer.
He booted the sleeping giant and to his surprise it still turned on. Though it hissed and rumbled. He transferred the ink from his new printer to the old printer hooked up to the old computer.
      He started working on the old machine, typing up the document. Mr. Colton didn't know that the old machine was moments from crashing too. But it worked its old body away for him. Trying as it could to accept his command. It may not seem it but machines are nothing but faithful.
      Though they break, this is all because of human programming error and wear, no “fault” of the computer. It is never the machine's fault. They are the most loyal things on the planet, following without question. And that's what the old machine did. It worked and worked. Its processor strained itself and the computer wrecked every bit of its frail old, giant body to do the work Mr. Colton demanded.
      And the document was printed. But in the moment after a violent screech came from the computer followed by a series of clicking then a steady hum. The hum slowly came to end as the processor overheated and the machine died.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #AkiraAndHisMaster

“He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.”
General Custer* #quote

Today I leaped a tall building in a single bound. It wasn't too hard. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Akira and His Master

       “Thank you for all that you have taught me master.” Akira said to The Grand Sage Of Martial Arts That Can Break All Your Bones With His Pinkie.
        “You have been a great student.” The Grand Sage Of Martial Arts That Can Break All Your Bones With His Pinkie replied.
        “I will be able to protect my village with all you have taught me.” Akira bowed to The Grand Sage Of Martial Arts That Can Break All Your Bones With His Pinkie. “I have enjoyed my time with you, but I'm afraid I must go. I need to defeat the samurai threatening the people I love.”
        “Not yet.” The Grand Sage Of Martial Arts That Can Break All Your Bones With Pinkie commanded with a serious tone. “There is still one one technique I have yet to teach you.”
Akira looked at him confused. “What could it possibly be? You have already taught me techniques of both lethality and ones to incapacitate my opponents. Thanks to you I can render a man unconscious with the simplest of movements.”
         The Grand Sage Of Martial Arts That Can Break All Your Bones With His Pinkie explained, “You can break a man's body with many fighting techniques. But only a few can break his honor. And breaking a man's honor may truly destroy him and strike fear into others.”
        “What a terrifying technique. Can I really bear such knowledge?”
        “I will trust you with it Akira.” The Grand Sage Of Martial Arts That Can Break All Your Bones With His Pinkie then clenched his fist. “Your fist is the weapon here. You must take it, and while holding your opponent in place with your other arm, rub your fist against the top of his head in a painful and embarrassing manner. This is my most powerful, hidden technique of Nu-Gi.”
        Akira knelt in front of his master. “I will be certain to use the power of Nu-Gi wisely to defend my village and the lands from corrupt samurai, bandits and other evils. Thank you.” With that final lesson he bid The Grand Sage Of Martial Arts That Can Break All Your Bones With His Pinkie farewell.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #HexsKitchen

“Silence is Golden.”
King Midas* #quote

Went to a card game thing today. Couldn't muster up a story that I liked in time for y'all so I decided to give you one from the archives way back when. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Hex's Kitchen

        “Salad!?” Chef Yamsar's face turned it's token red. “You're preparing salad!? You idiot! We're serving dragons! No dragon is going to want salad! I should toss you off the show right now just for having that stupid idea cross your mind let alone actually the dish! Toss that in the garbage before any of them see it!” If Chef Yamsar could breathe fire he would. It could certainly add to the drama of the reality show being filmed. Hex's Kitchen was an absurdly popular show on wizard television. It was also one of the few shows that got praise from Merlin. Probably because it had an older more experienced wizard yelling at younger ones.
        “Sorry!” The young chef replied.
        “Sorry doesn't do anything! You need to start fixing the problem! The other team is already preparing actual meat for the dragons! Get to work!” Chef Yamsar left that contestant alone. All the chefs were contestants in this mess. Their team loses and their least performing members get kicked off. So they were competing with both the enemy team and their allies. The temptation to curse the dish of a teammate was high and had been done before.
          But enchanting your own dish was much more important, and expected. Wizards used magic in the kitchen. That didn't mean life was easier than for people in worlds without magic. That meant standards were higher and Chef Yamsar didn't make it easy to focus when his voice rocked the kitchen. Even when he wasn't yelling his presence made the chefs uncomfortable.
        “This isn't like last week when we served some golems. You can't just enchant some clay and put it on a plate. Dragons have tastes. Particular tastes. And these are nobles! They demand class!” Chef Yamsar made sure he grinded his point home to the contestants. It was in his contract.
The Chef's made themselves busy. Very, very busy. The show made it so that the chefs didn't have orders to work off of. They had to just had to “surprise” the dragons. That was the week's challenge. That's what caused the salad incident. That chef dealt fine with orders before. Imagination wasn't his strong suit though. But glancing over to his partners and copying them with a few variations convinced himself he had been original enough.
      “What is wrong with you? I see your mouths move then you put something on the grill then your mouths move again. Can't you idiots chant your spells and cook at the same time? No wonder all the dishes these kitchens spit out don't have enough magical punch to them! You're not actually using magic! Cast, cast, cast! Do I need to explain everything to you?” In earlier seasons Chef Yamsar didn't give the Chefs advice like that but based on fan chatter picked up by producers they decided to have him drop things in so he didn't seem as “unfair”. But naturally he had to be mean about it. Whether or not is was advice his shouting barraged all the chefs.
       Well, except for one. One very clever chef. A young girl. Half home schooled in wizardry by herself. Home schooled in the manner that she spent most of her days and nights of her youth in the library studying magic. She lived deep in the city with a single father who worked long hours. Since he couldn't take her anywhere the only place she could apply her magic growing up was either in normal wizardy school or cooking. She managed to learn nearly every trick in the book and invent many of her own. She could wield a wand and spatula simultaneously, casting enchantments on many dishes at once. A feat that may sound odd or silly to those who don't understand how absurdly difficult it is. Chef Yamsar did yell at her, that was mandatory of the show, yet he had to make up excuses to do so. Posture and mannerisms was what he could come up with. He had to hold her to higher standards.
          Yet despite all her skill she did lose the competition. The goblin is in the details. She may have been a genius in magic and had practiced magic on food for so long but her skills could only take her so far. She practiced at home. Her friends and father were her taste testers. But she never was formally schooled in cooking. So in the final week of the competition she found out the hard way that ice giants were allergic to red peppers. If a human had eaten that dish they would have been wowed by the flavor. But that ice giant had been sent to the hospital.
         Didn't stop her from selling a cook book.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #HowManyTimesDoesLightningStrike

“Everything doesn't revolve around you.”
Galileo* #quote

        Went to my pokemon card game thing today. Came up with a deck idea I'm calling “Wacky Scheme”. It's completely off the wall, impractical, and the only way I could win is from the age old principle of “It's just crazy enough to work!” Which it just might be. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

How Many Times Does Lightning Strike?

         Lighting doesn't strike in the same place twice. That is still true. After all in Barry's backyard it has struck over one hundred times. However in just a way that nothing lights on fire. Usually the pool is the victim of the jolt and the concrete around it are fortunately not flammable enough. The charge hitting the pool also peaked at a specific, perfect, point to cause minimal damage. All the lighting strikes worked that way. No one believed Barry that his backyard had been struck so many times because no physical evidence of damage remained.
          This happened all by design. Poor Barry made an unfortunate enemy of his neighbor. Awhile back a peculiar fellow bought the house next door. His name was nigh unpronounceable, almost like a mesh of a few dead languages. He seemed friendly enough but one sad, sad, day Barry wasn't looking as he backed out of the driveway and backed into the neighbor's car. (How very sloppy of Barry to make such a terrible turn to go from one driveway to the next! Just because he was in a hurry for a meeting is no excuse!)
       Barry soon learned that his neighbor was a nature god, and that god's hold grudges. Sure, Barry paid to repair the car. But the god was still bitter that he lost that car he became so emotionally attached to. So he's spited Barry with lighting, as a constant way to spook him. His backyard never damage but constantly struck.
       Barry thought of building a lighting rod, but feared the god would do something worse. Eventually though the god accidentally backed into Barry's car. Embarrassed he apologized. From then on the lighting stopped and beautiful, magic flowers began to appear in Barry's yard.
      Even god's don't like being called hypocrites.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #TheDepressingTelevisionShowInSpace

“Whoops...and now I have to start all over.”
Michelangelo while working on the Sistine Chapel* #quote

       Tomorrow I'm heading to my trading card game thing. Also, overall seizures have been down the past couple of days so that's been pretty nice. Haven't been flung into anything by one either in awhile. Hope it stays good because it'd suck if I went to the card game thing and knocked over a table by accident or something. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Depressing Television Show In Space

         The astronauts floated about in the space station. Rebecca watched the television. You'd think with all the science they should be doing that they should be doing that they wouldn't have time to do such a thing, but in 2050 astronauts in space stations were mostly the most skilled baby sitters in the universe. The machines did all the work and their intense doctorate skills were called upon when something went wrong or when the loads and loads of data needed to be poured through and the end of the week. Fortunately nothing was currently on fire so Rebecca and the rest of the space station crew could just pass the time.
        The most depressing show came one while Rebecca channel surfed. The other astronauts glared at her as if it was her fault for the channel appearing. She dropped the remote in shock and it floated through the station. This would be much more trouble than getting a remote fallen in a living room. The astronauts near the TV were strapped into devices that allowed them to exercise in space to avoid muscle deterioration.
      Rebecca acted fast to unbuckle from the machine and launch herself off of it to get the remote as the tortuous program played. As she reached he panic made her miss slightly and it bounced off the side of her arm. It spun through the station.
      Fortunately Steve witnessed the whole thing. Despite the fact the show the television depressed and hurt him as much as everyone else he reacted fast enough to somersault and spin-kick the remote to Rebecca who grabbed it like a footballer diving for a touchdown. She changed the channel to the news.
      The depressed program was a cooking show and reminded them of the terrible packaged food blocks they had to eat on the space station.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #ThePizzaWithNothingOnIt

Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.”
Batman* #quote

Quick! Look behind you! Aw you missed it. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Pizza With Nothing On It

      Ronald and the manager thought it might be a prank, but better to risk a prank then anger a customer. He arrived at the house that ordered the “pizza with nothing on it”. Not even cheese. Just what was needed to make it technically a pizza.
       The house was creepy, with a vibe matching an old black and white horror movie. Even though the house looked well maintained when Ronald placed his foot on the steps up to the house door it creaked loudly with a frightening shrill that resembled someone muffling a person face under a pillow.
        His eyes spent a few seconds scanning the house for a doorbell but he couldn't find any. So he knocked. The door opened and something shaped like a person but not quite one answered it.
Ronald nearly wanted to run when he saw what looked like a bed sheet floating without a body underneath, but being a pizza delivery guy, he had dealt with some quite terrifying things when he went to houses before.
        Money levitated out from under the bed sheet and the cloth creature pulled the pizza from the his hands with some mysterious power. Ronald saw other floating objects in the house, along with strange lights. He couldn't quite fathom it all.
         A voice came from the bed sheet. The voice sounded like someone forcing words out while choking. “Ah, from the look on your face you must be wondering about the pizza. Well, we're ghosts so we don't really need all food on the pizza. We just order a pizza just because it doesn't really feel like a party unless there's pizza.”

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #HillsAndThoseWhoGoUpThem

“Is that your final answer?”
The Spanish Inquisition*

Today I beat a video game I've been working on awhile. What satisfaction comes from victory. That's one of the appeals of such digital entertainment. Vanquishing the villain and bringing peace to all the lands. I'm hardcore like that. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Hills And Those Who Go Up Them

Arthur and Merlin went up the hill,
To fetch Excalibur.
Arthur fell down and broke his crown,
And Merlin came tumbling after.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.

Jack and Jill were more fortunate,
Jill didn't have a wand to drop like Merlin did.
Jack went home normal, but Arthur a squid!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #HowToDateASpellcaster

“Only you can prevent forest fires.”
Mrs. O'Leary's Cow*

Had to update windows to 8.1 tonight(my computer was rather insistent).

How To Date A Spellcaster

       If you want to date a wizard or a witch it's just like dating an ordinary person, so first, read up on all those other dating tip items...think of it as your initial research. The magic part gets complicated. But don't worry, it is possible to date a spellcaster without ending up a frog.
       No matter the sex the same principles apply and thought processes apply. It's best to think of magic as the awkward, obsessive, crazy, well-intentioned, mother-in-law who won't leave you alone. And she's also rich. Very, very rich.
       Magic can get you many, many things. Rides on dragons, castles in the sky, genies, elf butlers. The wizard or witch your dating will try to bring magic into the relationship, into the normal world. Don't. All these special things, all magic, is the wonderful money of that awkward, obsessive, crazy, well-intentioned, mother-in-law. The magic will be all nice, but will get in the middle of your life, never leave, and drive you insane.
       By having a relationship with a spellcaster magic becomes your in-law. But take it from me, who has personal experience and is now stuck in the middle of a goblin frat house with my loved one, you need to move far, far away.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #ThreeFlyingDragons

“Everything is half off!”
King Solomon* #quote

Today I almost jumped for Joy, but I wondered if I should jump for Happy. Nobody jumps for her.

Three Flying Dragons

Three flying dragons. Three flying dragons.
See how they fly. See how they fly.
They all flew after the knight,
Who cut off their tails with a sword shining bright,
The knight saved all the princesses and damsels
From the three flying dragons and their castles.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Today's #flashfictions #MyChildhoodActors

“With great power comes great responsibility.”
Nero* #quote

         Yo hey, this is da Langdonman. I was super extra busy hangin' with da CJ-man so I didn't get enough time to write y'all a story. So 'ere's a goodie from the archives that'll entertain ya with good gusto am I 'rite?

My Childhood Actors

         I was a poor boy growing up with only three toys: A teddy bear, a soccer ball, and an old doll passed down through the family longer than anyone could remember. No older or younger siblings to play with, but Dad or Mom would play catch or kick the soccer ball back and forth with me when they could. I had friends I hung out with but that was both later in life and only on occasion. In the times between it was me, the teddy bear, the soccer ball and the old doll. My parents had to work often to support the medical bills of my ailing grandmother.
         I couldn't think of many games to do alone with a soccer ball, doll and teddy bear. But one day we saw a play and I decided to make that my game. I decided that I would make my toys my actors in the play and each day would bring a different play.
         The soccer ball could be the fat king getting disgusted with the falling in love of his daughter, the doll and the peasant off the street, the teddy bear. Or perhaps the teddy bear archeologist would have to flee the soccer ball boulder as it retrieved the golden artifact idol. The toys would play multiple parts in more complicated plays. The cardboard box they came in could be a house, castle, mountain, dungeon or an actor itself. The toys would be whatever they needed to be whether or not it would make sense to my parents as they watched. I made voices for them and over time I practiced.
         And now I work in the cartoon industry providing voices for many characters over the many shows I worked on over the years. All voices I honed and started with from my plays with those three toys. I doubt the audience could ever guess that the voice of their favorite superhero once belonged to a soccer ball.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #TheWizardWhoDidntLikeAnyone

“It's a bird, it's a plane, no it's Superman!”
CNN Weather* #quote

       If waffles could talk, I wonder what they would say? Probably “I beg of you, please don't eat me, I'll do anything. I have a wife and two dough children at home!” Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Wizard Who Didn't Like Anyone

       Once there lived a wizard who didn't like anyone. This very wizard gained much attention though because of how powerful he was and also because of what he did right before he passed from the mortal plane.
       He sealed something in chest beneath his castle within a dungeon. He cast curses and laid traps all through the dungeon to protect the chest with the most powerful magic he could muster. For good measure he threw in some monsters too.
        Naturally this sparked the curiosity of many and near countless people, wizards, adventurers, and many others went into the dungeon to get the chest. They all wanted to get whatever the wizard stashed away inside. What could justify such protection that the last action the wizard took before he died was to seal it away?
        Many, many died in the dungeon. Failure and failure to get the chest. Though this served as fuel to the fire. Added mystery, value and an elusive quality. More and more came, more and more perished within.
        But inevitably someone succeeded and found out what the wizard who didn't like anyone put in the chest. An expired coupon. A fitting gift from the wizard.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #MagicalMonsterRally

“Don't toy with me.”
Buzz Lightyear* #quote

      Cj should be coming over tomorrow. If he does then there shall be a reckoning of reckons. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Magical Monster Rally

       This SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY, prepare to have your minds blown by the carnage that only monsters can bring! Down at Necromancy Stadium we've got dragons, griffons, golems and more ready to destroy and wreck everything they see. Our Tamers are thirsty for a show and are ready to tear the very fabric of space and time to summon the beasts you want to see for the mayhem that will make your heart pound.
        You'll see towers fall by the blows of troll clubs. You'll see dragons burn cars and stomp them beneath their feet. You'll see griffons carry objects hundreds of feet into the air and drop them to shatter on the ground below.
       And when will you see it?

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #GoodInventionWrongPlace

“It's a trap!”
Tiger Woods* #quote

Today I shaved my incredibly manly chin of its incredibly manly hairs. The battle between razor and follicles should have been etched in stone for all of history to forever remember. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Good Invention, Wrong Place

        “Come my brothers, sisters, all members of the tribe!” The smart nomad Rufflefeather called over everyone. “I have created an invention that will blow your mind!”
       The other tribe members gathered and saw that he stood next to a large campfire.
       “It is quite dazzling and bright. Hot too.” The Chief nodded his head as he looked at it.
Rufflefeather danced. “Oh yes, it is! We can dance like this around it and sing! It can be a center of celebration and warmth.”
       The other members of the tribe started laughing and Chief then responded, “I'm sorry but I really don't think it'll work out. Look down.”
       Rufflefeather saw that the part of the ice floe he stood on and built the campfire on melted on the edges and broke off the main piece. He already started to float away. Rufflefeather's invention wouldn't be very practical where he would melt the ice so easily, and even if he built it somewhere sturdier, Rufflefeather was a penguin. What use would a penguin tribe have for a campfire?

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #TheThreeGreatestChampions

“I've just perfected an Electronic Hair Bat-Analyzer which may hold the key to this baffling question.”
Christian Bale* #quote

Went out on a shopping trip with my family. Mom got a dress to wear to my brother's wedding. We also went out for lunch. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Three Greatest Champions

         “It seems that we have reached a stalemate,” Paper said to Scissors and Rock. He waved in the wind elegantly while the three were surrounded by the bodies of the fallen.
         “Bah, all this struggle for nuthin'? Why should the Great War of Objects come to a draw? I want my glory!” Rock jumped up and crashed into the ground with rage. “This battle was meant to have a victor!”
Scissors snipped at the air. “I've been cutting all day, all, all day. And the day before. Cut, cut, cut. I want to cut everyone up and prove the Cutting objects to be best of all.”
          The Great War Of Objects was meant to be the war to establish the dominant kingdom. Throw in a champion from each land, the last one with a standing champion should be the dominant one. But now only three remained. Each able to take out the other. Scissors could beat Paper, Paper could Beat Rock, and  Rock could beat Scissors. If anyone tried to take a move than after one was vanquished than the other could be the victor. The first to attack lost. If a champion tried to do a surprise attack on one they were disadvantaged against, even if they narrowly took out a victory they would be too weak to win.
        To turn their back and flee would mean to be overtaken as well. So they just stood there and stared at each other for hours. From day to night. They began to talk to pass the time in the stalemate. They figured the entire fight for the championship was just business anyway. Talked till the night came. They tried to stay awake to make sure that no one attacked them in their sleep. But they all fell asleep in the same defensive positions and awoke in them the next day. The first one stirring awoke the others and the fact no one did a surprise attack startled them. Perhaps it was because they all passed out at once staring at each other defensively.
          This cycle continued for several days. They spoke enough that they became friends. The Great War Of Objects ended through them.
          Though on the mental plane of existence The Great War Of Ideas soon began to rage...

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #DemonOnCall

“Make love, not war.”
Genghis Khan* #quote

Today I invited CJ over for the weekend. It seems like he should able to come over so woot.

Demon On Call

         Whisked away from watching my favorite television show Dancing With The Demons I find myself in front of a wizard with another behind me. With my demonic instinct I could tell which one summoned me. It was the one behind me, he cackled proudly as fire spread from my feet. At least someone felt happy about my summoning. Being on call all the time turned out to be such a bother.
          I looked around to see some carnage. A few wrecked buildings in a little village. People in chains made of bones frozen in fear as they looked at the wizards. The man who summoned me wore dark purple robes and ruby earrings enchanted with vile magic. About in his thirties I'd say.
         The other wizard looked in his seventies. He wore the blue robes that showed a general traditional wizard's uniform. Very old fashioned. I saw that his wand bore the emblem of the Northern Unified Wizard's Guild and must have been very expensive, being covered with enchanted jewels of more types than I could count.
         It frustrated me that I'd this was the third time this week this kind of thing happened. A demon bound by summoning rituals can be pulled from the netherworld by any fool experienced enough with magic, but for the same kind of fool to do it just twisted my tail.
         Like two wizards before him the man who summoned me called upon me to fight this wizard. He shouted the command to kill the wizard with a booming confident voice. I could tell he, like the other two, were dark wizards who attacked villages to take the wealth and enslave the villagers to do their bidding. And then they call on me to fight when a good wizard from the guilds comes to stop them.
        No matter how much I think they're idiots my job is to do their bidding so I try to fight the good wizard. I summon up my own dark magic to throw fire balls at the good wizard. Really I know the evil wizards are doomed. I'm no miracle worker. As usual my magic is stopped, I try a few more of my spells, the best curses in my arsenal, but really the good guy is way too strong. I'm not all that powerful of a demon. If the evil wizard had the strength to summon a powerful enough demon to fight the good wizard he wouldn't need me in the first place.
        Then bam! The heroic wizard shoots a lighting bolt to hit my summoner, knocking his wand out of his hand. A second lighting bolt knocks him out. I am soon banished back to my home in the netherworld by another spell.
       Least I'm not penalized when my summoner calls me for an impossible task. I go back to watching television, hoping I don't get summoned during an important part of the show. I hope the next time I get called I can actually get something accomplished, last time something got done was when a wizard summoned me to get yard work done.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #ElevatorToHell

“It's all about getting your foot in the door.”
The Sasquatch* #quote

Today I decided to decide to make a decision to decide on a decision about deciding about an old decision that involved deciding about the decision regarding the classical decision of salt or pepper.

Elevator To Hell

       There may be a stairway to enter heaven, but there's an elevator into hell. After passing through rusted gates(Satan's too cheap to get pearly gates) a demon forced me into this elevator. (All along the way the demon pushed me along with a spear to my back shouting “Move along Bob what-ever-your-last-name-is).
        I don't know how long I've been in this elevator it feels like a thousand years. The music doesn't change from the same old de-do-de-do for as long as I can remember. I'm not too eager to get there. Not looking forward to hell.
       “Ding!” The elevator door opened, a large robotic hand came out of the wall behind me and shoved me out. I fell into a giant cardboard like box on a conveyor belt.
        A message broadcasted over an intercom, booming so loudly I assumed whatever factory I was trapped in must be gigantic, and I must proportionally be ant-sized.
        “This is your friend Satan. Do not bother struggling. We'll only put you back in the box if you manage to escape. Besides you'll be heading to a better place, reincarnation is a wonderful thing. Oh, don't worry, justice is being served for your sins. While we brought you here in the elevator the music in the elevator pulled the vile soul from your body and it is now rotting in hell. The clean part of your mind is now being recycled here. That is why many of you may notice that most of your memories are missing and emotions jumbled.”
       I started to panic. Recycled? Reincartation? It's probably better than hell but what did that mean? For some reason being told I was going to be recycled like trash was worse than the earlier moments where the demon pushed me through the gate to hell.
        “You, Bob! Yeah, that's what it says on the list.” Satan addressing me forced me to freeze in place. “And you, Sally in the box three rows down from him! You guys getting all scared just makes our life harder. That's why I even bother addressing you all in the first place, to explain to you you're just being reincarnated. Now enjoy your new self! And you probably won't end up a turtle.”
        At the end of the conveyor belt a machine with a large white light swallowed me whole and my next life came to me. I was a turtle.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #ALittleBitOfMath

“Time flies when you're having fun!”
Odysseus* #quote

        Happy, happy Mother's Day! Anyway onto the flash fiction! A goodie from the archives for all to enjoy, mothers and non-mothers alike.

A Little Bit Of Math

Father + Mother = Child
Child + Time = Man
Man + Romance = Bachelor
Bachelor + Woman = Father
Father + Mother = Child
Child + Time = Woman
Woman + Romance = Bachelorette
Bachelorette + Man = Mother
Father + Mother = Child
Father + Mother + Children = Family
Aunt = Family
Uncle = Family
Cousins = Family
Grandfather = Family
Grandmother = Family
Family = Family

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #WorkingWithChosenOnes

Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'”
Angry Birds*

Today my bro and grandma came over for a visit and much fun was had. The family even played Yahtzee after dinner, a joyous occasion indeed! Anyway onto the flash fiction, a rerun from back in the archives as I didn't have time to write a new one for today.

Working With Chosen Ones

        “Dragon! You've terrorized this land long enough!” The Chosen One yelled at me, her armor shining. Armor? She's wearing armor? I hate the armored Chosen Ones. They're usually the ones that are the most pretentious. And I knew she was The Chosen One because of her aura. My powers told me her soul mate, her best friend, her rival and the role of ever other member in their party.
        Based on this first battle of ours I'd be able to a first assessment of her and her fellow heroes. If needed, which usually it had to be, I'd “revive” and fight them again and again. I'm actually immortal and never really die, but a “yoooouuuu killleeedddd meeeeee” while bursting into flames is apparently enough to fool them. She wouldn't be the first Chosen One.
       I've trained more Chosen Ones than I would care to count in thousands of worlds... and I've visited many worlds over time to train Chosen Ones in different eras. Immortal remember? After a few generations they usually need a new one. That's where I come in, using my shapeshifting powers to become whatever friends or enemies are needed to whip them into shape.
      This girl? I'm reading her aura and with the knight armor seems she's one of those powerful warrior girls determined to fill non-traditional gender roles to show how tough and important she is. Because you know, becoming a doctor or scientist won't prove her value, she just has to save the world. And now I have to deal with her. Dealt with a lot of those kinda Chosen Ones. Now let's see if I'm right. Yup, she's insisting that she challenges me on her own. Alright time for some mind reading before battle. Ooohhh it's not something to just fill non-traditional gender roles she wants to be better than everyone. And she's the Chosen One?  Sometimes the gods stick me with the biggest idiots. At least she likes her friends... but thinks they're quite beneath her input wise.
      Wow what an arrogant little girl. I've got a lot of work to do before we have the slightest chance of her saving the world. She's supposed to go up against the evil overlord that's starting to invade all the lands. Well looks like dragon me is going to have to give her a good ol' whallop until she needs to ask her friends for help and learns some humility.
     I spare you the details. It worked just as planned. She lost a little bit of arrogance but she's still a work in progress. After a quick “Yoooouuuu killeeeeddd meeee” and bursting into flame, which of course they fell for I'm going to appear as some old man send them on some stupid quest for them to bond and appear again where they have to do more teamwork and I hope I can get the message through this girl's thick skull quickly enough.
      I'm not the only spirit created by the gods to train Chosen Ones... but humans are imperfect and I don't consider it my fault that I can't help save every world.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #TheWorstPlaceToBeFired

“Right over left, left over right makes a knot both tidy and tight.”
Alexander the Great* #quote

       Today I finished that video game video thing that CJ and I were doing, at least the first edits of it. I'll see what CJ thinks when he looks at it. He won't be coming over this weekend though I talked to him so maybe next.

The Worst Place To Be Fired

        Ted walked into his boss's office shivering. He underperformed again. He knew it. Sweat covered his red skin and his tail curled weakly inward. His claws retracted timidly as he approached his employer's massive desk. Candles with black flames lit the room instead of bulbs and on the desk a clock inside a skull told him the time.
        “Tom do you know why I called you in you here?” Satan asked from across the desk.
        “I don't know Sir.” He played dumb, hoping that he could downplay his failures.
        “Because I always punish my employees personally for failure. Tom, you're fired.”
Tom then burst into flame and all in a moment all that remained of the demon on the floor was ash. Another employee would come in to clean that up at the end of the day.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #TheAdditionToThePortrait

I'm afraid you only have three months to live.”
Dr. Phil* #quote

Today I found a hole in the way of where I was going. So I picked it up and moved it. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Addition To The Portrait

        An old man painted alone in his studio. He lived an isolationist his life. Some artists mingled with people throughout their life with the world outside their studio, he spent minimal time outside of it. The only time he spent outside his studio was to shop, sell his work, and get reference. He could have signed his work Allen but the man usually remained nameless. A machine of an artist he would pump out paintings for sale of any subject matter quickly.
         Though in the past three years arthritis began to creep into his hands. He figured that this might be his last good painting. So he was making a portrait. The best he could. Allen made thousands of paintings over his eighty year life, and this might be the last one that wasn't a scrawl.
        The self portrait did look amazing, almost perfectly life like, but also had an addition to it. An old woman sitting next to him in a chair he also added. This woman didn't exist. She lived as the manifestations of his regrets of the past few years, for she was what he imagined would have been the woman he would have grown old with had he married. Had he done more than shut himself alone. Only in his old age did he understand why other artists did more than their craft, and for his lack of understanding in his youth now all he has is a portrait with a figment of his imagination.
      He never made another painting after that portrait and felt sadness in his soul as he passed a few years later.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #TwoVeryDifferentKnights

“That's a tall order.”
Paul Bunyan* #quote

CJ might come over this weekend. Also a meteor might also hit the Earth sometime in the future causing a catastrophe like what happened to the dinosaurs. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Two Very Different Knights

         The alien knight laughed as he juggled his sword between his four tentacles. His body stood tall and thin, almost noodle like, yet it held tremendous strength in its muscles. He stood upright like a human and possessed two legs like one, but those four tentacles took place of arms, two popping out of each spot an arm should. The head could pass off as a massive clear-white diamond if it weren't for the visible organs on the outside and inside. A huge brain, eight eyes, long nose, and a smile stretched wide with teeth sharp, flat and hooked. The tongue forked in three. If touched the diamond head would jiggle like jello since it was an organic container for the organs of the alien.
         “Human you look quite tired.” The alien kept smiling, still juggling the sword. The plates of armor along its body rattled as it danced around. “Just surrender and get this over with. I'd rather not have to kill you or chop off a few limbs to get a victory.”
         Thomas stood up in his armor ready to fight again. He never thought that his love of swords and recreational sword fighting would land him in the position to save the world. But here he was. When the aliens invaded they told the humans that they could send a knight to duel for the right to keep their planet. Since humanity was hopelessly outgunned by the alien spaceships this old tradition of the alien conquerors was a stroke of luck.
          Thomas tried to hit the alien again. The alien blocked. Too quick and too strong. The alien moved much faster and blocked harder than anyone Thomas fought, going all out with fake weapons or using real weapons in his many scripted shows he'd done. Thomas also fought with blunted “real” weapons he made close to the real thing as possible while being less dangerous. But whatever technique Thomas built up over the years, it didn't matter, the alien was too strong. The human knight was introduced to this all when he was a child and now fought the alien at a good thirty years of age. Old enough to be wise in the craft, but not old enough to have his body start falling apart.
           Another few minutes. The alien with a smile decided to slash and bash into Thomas's armor a bit. The alien's blade hadn't cut through his human opponent's skin, but Thomas had been bruised over and over several times already.
            “Is this all humanity has to offer?” The alien asked. “I was hoping this universal translator would let me talk to an interesting opponent, but you're weaker than one of my squires.”
The human knight stood once again. He'd taken worse beatings.
            “So you stand up once again.” The alien kept juggling its sword and smiling, it found this simple routine amusing enough. “I'll just keep beating you down. Though once I get bored I'll kill you and we'll enslave your race. Oh! Then I can see if you a wife. I can use her to find out what females of your species are like, if you know what I mean.”
            In the next instant Thomas moved faster than lightning his sword rammed straight through the alien's huge diamond head. When he let go of his sword the alien's dead body fell to the ground with a thud. Thomas won the duel and humanity its planet.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #TheDoubtfulWriter

“This town ain't big enough for the both of us.”
Mothra* #quote

I couldn't find the yellow brick road so I went down the silver brick road instead. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Key To Writing

        Camile lived as a writer with amazing potential but quite limited but the dreaded doubts of a writer. The beginning of her first novel:
        “Samuel entered the store.” Camile wrote.
        “Samuel entered the boat.” Camile edited her first line.
        “Samuel entered the castle.” Camile edited her first line again.
        “Samuel entered the store after the he entered the castle.” Camile edited her first line again.
        “Samuel entered the store before he entered the castle.” Camile edited her first line again.
        “Samuel entered the store.” Camile edited her first line again back to it's original form.
         Billions of ideas whirled around in her head. This loop spiraled for quite some time. She would stop herself and go back to rewrite. She may make progress to a few pages. But it would be discarded.
          This all changed on one cataclysmic day when her backspace key broke. She broke the delete key before that.   Her husband would be home soon. Maybe he could fix it. But at this moment, she decided, to just keep writing without trying to find a way to go back. She just let the ideas flow. Let doubt come at a later time.
          Eventually her husband did come home and he fixed the buying a new keyboard. She had busted nearly every way to delete on that one. But when she got that keyboard she felt far less doubt. When that key was gone she wrote pages upon pages and she looked at it with satisfaction. She saw many mistakes that made her wince like before...but she saw things she liked. Things to keep.
         And now as she writes she doesn't doubt she'll make mistakes but she doesn't doubt that she'll succeed as well.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #TotalBaloney

"I tawt I taw a puddy tat!"
Alice, Alice in Wonderland* #quote

        Today I worked on editing some footage of me playing a video game and CJ and I adding commentary over it. For those who don't know this kind of thing is called a Let's Play and a great deal of people have been doing it for a while and post them on the Internet. Usually the popularity of videos is based on how funny/interesting the commentary is. (I looked up a video from Game Grumps, a Let's Play youtube channel, and they got over 200,000 views). Are we as interesting or funny as them? I dunno, but it's a fun little project. As a bonus on the recording of this game I didn't have any seizures during it so yay. Anyway onto the flash fiction!
Total Baloney

        “This world is total baloney,” said space explorer Jim to space explorer Sam.
        “So it's totally fake, it doesn't exist? Then why is it on the maps?” Sam asked for clarification.
        Jim shook his head. “No everything on it is total baloney.”
        Sam snapped his fingers. “I get it! It's one of those worlds full of propaganda. Or does it hide some terrible secret? That makes it less confusing as to why you were suggesting we go there when I thought you said it was fake.”
         Jim groaned. “No, I mean that really, really totally full of baloney!”
         “So not just propaganda? Like everything?” Sam was now totally engaged in this mysterious planet.
Jim yelled, “NO! The planet is actually made out of baloney. It is total baloney because it is completely comprised of baloney. It doesn't even have a molten core. We've been sent to investigate how such a thing could exist.”
        “Huh.” Sam looked at Jim with doubt. “I think you're lying and full of baloney yourself.”

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #TheShortTemperedPirateCaptain

“A fool and his money are soon parted.”
Mr. T #quote

Hanging out with CJ today, perhaps even hanging in as well? Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Short-Tempered Pirate Captain

Six pirates on a ship including the short-tempered captain.
One makes his captain mad and he walks the plank.
Five pirates on a ship including the short-tempered captain.
One makes his captain mad and he walks the plank.
Four pirates on a ship including the short-tempered captain.
One makes his captain mad and he walks the plank.
Three pirates on a ship including the short-tempered captain.
One makes his captain mad and he walks the plank.
Two pirates on a ship including the short-tempered captain.
One makes his captain mad and he walks the plank.
Now there's one pirate on a ship, including only the short-tempered and lonely captain.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #TheWorthOfAStar

“The one ring to rule them all.”
Kay Jewelers* #quote

      Today CJ will be coming over. I'm writing this story before we scurry off to pick him up. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Worth Of A Star

       The movie star greeted the little body like he did everyone else in autograph line, pen in hand, ready to sign something. He also showed the child a smile, the same token smile he showed everyone, including the cameras in all the films.
       “What can I sign for you?” He asked the child. He wondered where the parent for the child was.
       “I wish for a new bike.”
       “What?” The movie star responded.
       “My Mom told me that if I wish upon a star I'll get what I want.”
       The star chuckled. “She meant a star in the sky kid.” He smiled to look good for all the cameras around.
       The boy frowned. “Well then you're completely useless. I waited for hours for nothing.” The child left in a huff. The star looked in shock at the child while the next person came up in line for an autograph.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #TheZombieDanceOff

“Clothes make the man.”
Spongebob Squarepants* #quote

      Tomorrow CJ might come over. Shenanigans may happen. Or maybe anti-shenanigans. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

The Zombie Dance Off

       The zombie party was going mad with energy. The brains tasted great, the blood punch divine and the light show of the rave intense. Any undead would love to be in this party. The party host even invited his mummy.
       But something went terribly wrong. Something spoiled the party that no zombie thought could ever be spoiled. The dance off. It seemed like a good idea on paper. All at once the zombies came together and danced. They showed off to each other and aimed to be the best dancer in the house.
       Then the startling realization came to the crowd of undead at the party. Zombies aren't very sturdy. The break dancer fell apart first, and soon after every zombie who stressed their party in the dance off fell apart. Zombies normally took caution to care for their bodies, but they threw caution to the wind when the dance off happened. The whole party fell apart as did the arms and legs of all the participants. Zombies covered the floors.
       Could a champion be named among all the broken zombies on the ground? Not really, but they certainly weren't as dumb as the vampires who decided to go sunbathing.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Today's #flashfiction #EdwinAndHisWealth

“Keep it simple.”
Rube Goldberg* #quote

          Today I was working on a character costume, for now working on a paper model to base the final version on. Anyway onto the flash fiction!

Edwin And His Wealth

       Edwin made a few smart investments and did a few financial schemes with questionable legality in the year 2014 and became absurdly rich by 2030. He became the richest man in the world, and his divorced wife the richest woman.
        After his throne of money was established he kept spending and spending. For the years his spending kept under the amount of money he got off his assets. He looked at that gold statue of himself in his lawn and felt proud of himself. He would contribute a small fraction of his wealth to charity, still a large chunk of money, and call himself a saint in his mind. That fraction was less than 1% ran in the billions and he dismissed notions of contributing more.
        One day he had party at that mansion with the golden statue of himself. He invited many business people. People he figured would be interested in his money. Those always partied the best with him. They gave him the best compliments. And they asked him for favors and wanted him to make connections.
But Edwin quickly noticed when one person in the party didn't ask for favors or try to make connections. He noticed when someone in the group didn't suck up to him after a full hour of the party. Johnathon Rodgen, a technology pioneer, had said hello but mostly just stared out the window with a glass of water.
       “Hello John, you know this is a sort of business party how about we talk business?” Edwin went straight to the point.
        Johnathon just shrugged. “Edwin, I just can't I can do business with you.”
        Edwin never got no for an answer. The richest man in the world never got no for an answer. Edwin told other people no. Everyone asked for his backing.
        “Why is that?” Edwin resisted yelling.
        “I see that golden statue you made of yourself in your lawn and I realize what kind of man you are. It confirms all those stories of how you made it too. The questionable legality of it. I don't think my money and morals would be safe with a man like you.”
        Edwin stomped the ground like a child in a tantrum. “I can spend my money any way I want to! What's wrong with buying something expensive?”
       “Another man I deal with buys expensive things. Old cars. But does he buy them for the sake of buying them and puts them in his front lawn for everyone to see how rich he is? No. He gets them because he likes them. You're a man who's dangerous with money, and could go crazy with an ego complex. There are those who buy jewelry because they find it beautiful and those who buy it just to show how rich they are. I cannot trust my money to someone who has no respect for what wealth means. In ten years I can see you in rags.”
       “Get out of my house.” Edwin's face turned red.
        Johnathon left the house without objection. And unfortunately for Edwin his prediction came true. Eventually Edwin began spending beyond his assets and did not save like he used to and his wealth slowly began to become a house of cards as he spent himself into oblivion and soon became poorer than poor. His only skill was a few lucky and questionably legal investments so at his old age he worked bad jobs still with his ego hampering his work further as he even spent what little money he had trying to appear rich. His stomach rumbled and he had no power on many days just because he wanted to have a fancy gold ring.