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Saturday, April 18, 2015

Today's #flashfiction So You Think You Can Be A Space Captain?

“Ding dong the witch is dead!”
Hansel* #quote


Today was father's birthday and we had ice cream cake of the mint chocolate chip variety. I recommend it as it is delicious and gives you immunity to mind control.

So You Think You Can Be A Space Captain?


         “Welcome back dear audience for the LIVE season finale of So You Think You Can Be A Space Captain?” a man in a purple, sparkling suit said while stood next to three other people in green space cadet uniforms sitting on a large blue couch. The cadet uniforms were full of unnecessary folds and highly impractical. They weren't actual cadet uniforms, as this was just a reality show, for just, well, show. The real space cadets at home were probably laughing their back space thrusters off looking at them. “Over the season you've seen the contestants battle for these slots in the final four.You've seen them voting each other off. You've seen them competing in simulations to becoming Captain of the week. You've seen them live the life on quarters of the spaceship we've brought down here to Earth for them. You've seen them eat foods from other planets. You've experienced the galactic experience along with them and tonight one of them will win our 100 million galactic credit prize and a tour of our own solar system's Captain's Academy! And that winner will be determined after this commercial break we'll be right back, LIVE!” As soon as the commercial came the host pulled out a bottle of water from his pocket and chugged it. “By space, live is easily my least favorite word in the dictionary. This suit is an oven.” The host pulled off the suit to reveal a shirt soaked it sweat. He practically collapsed when he sat down.
            “So, if you win, what are you going to spend the prize money on?” Tom, the contestant on the left side of the couch, asked Samantha, the contestant on the right side of the couch.
             “I'm going to give it all to charity duh.” Samantha responded with a smile.
              “Liar.” Jerry, the contestant in the middle interjected.
             “Fine. New wardrobe, then charity.” Samantha groaned. Tom then laughed his trademark laugh. Throughout the competition he always laughed and it made him quite the character. The producers always made sure they had a camera set right on him. They made him out to be the “quirky guy”.
           “We all know we're all going to blow the money. We're all human after all. The real question is on what. I hope we have sense to not quit our jobs when we get it, after all I bet its going to go to our heads. Y'know. I wonder, maybe the person who gets the money may actually turn out to be the loser!” Tom laughed again. Tom's laugh could be endearing or annoying, sometimes both at the same time.
        “Well what do you think we're going to get?” Jerry asked Tom.
         “Hmm...Samantha's going to get a massive mansion with a beach side view, with a room dedicated solely to her clothes and closet full of shoes she will never wear as she will have only two pairs of heels she'll actually like enough wear as the rest are just ones she bought out of impulse because she thought they were cute. Oh, and jewelry, lots and lots of jewelry. Me, I dunno, I probably spend it on something much more impractical and stupid like maybe, I dunno, a tank collection? Well that, plus the usual luxuries like a fancy house, cars and such. Jerry, I'm guessing you'd buy season tickets to every single sports game for the next fifty years. I also figure you'll build your own football stadium with one of those fancy retractable domes. Say, can I put my tanks in it when your not using it?” Tom laughed. He was sad there could only be one winner. He was glad that there was no bad blood between them right now and he hoped that once the winner was announced that they wouldn't hold any grudges over who won.
        “Unfortunately there can only be one winner Tom, you know that.” Samantha said.
        “I know,” Tom sighed, “I was just joking about the tank in the stadium part. Let's try not to have any grudges no matter who wins okay?” Tom pleaded.
         “Sure, and you're probably right, whoever wins will blow the money we're only human after all, though I hope they keep their job.” Samantha responded.
          “I have an idea,” said Jerry, “how about we do a sort of 'investment vow' whoever wins doesn't spend any of it, immediately investing it and then taking the interest then investing that until they have enough money to give the rest of us the original prize money but the others do the same thing then we live off the interest or further invest it become those invest it rich people never ever blowing it. There won't be any bad blood between us and we all end up rich. It'll take a long time though.” Jerry had a very serious tone of voice.
          “Do you realize how ridiculous you sound? Do you honestly believe what what you just said? We've been together on this show for months. I know you guys. All three of us are not that smart, or savvy. I'm surprised we're the finalists really. None of us could do your 'investment vow'.” Tom stared at Jerry shocked that he could come up with such a wild idea.
        “I agree.” Samantha looked at Jerry blankly as her brain couldn't come up with much of a facial expression to respond to him with.
         “I disagree. Isn't the reason we're all here because we never broke the the alliance we had while the other contestants went crazy with backstabbing and doing elaborate voting schemes? We beat that alliance of seven because we beat them in that battle simulation where we didn't argue who took control of the ship. By the way excellent job with the blasters back there Samantha.” Jerry looked at them with a smile on his face. “The only reason we're against each other now is because there's no one else to go against.” Tom laughed. But not his usual annoying or endearing laugh, but a much deeper laugh, something joyful and playful but not silly.
       “Guess your right, alright, I'll take your 'investment vow' but I'm warning you, I'm only human.” Tom smiled.
         “Me too, I'm in.” When Samantha thought about it, she remembered that Jerry was right.
         “And I'm in.” Jerry said with a look of satisfaction on his face.
          “Welcome back to our LIVE broadcast!” the host yelled, now back in his purple sparkling suit. “And now for the moment you've been waiting for. The announcement of the winner. We've tallied the votes from you, the viewers at home. Who you decided has the potential to be a Space Captain. Is it Tom, Samantha, Jerry? But before I announce the winner I have to ask, what will you spend the money on?” Every season on So You Think You Can Be A Space Captain? the host asks the contestants what they would spend the money on. And this season the host was too busy fanning his sweating face to pay attention to the conversation the contestants had during the commercial break. “Samantha, how about you? What would spend the money on?”
           “I would invest the money and spread the wealth with the remaining contestants.” Samantha replied plainly.
           “W-what?” the host had never gotten an answer like that most contestants gave joke answers or said charity. “Jerry, does this sudden charity to you shock you?”
            “Not at all, I would do the same.”
              “A-and you Tom?” the host turned to the last contestant.
              “Me too. Since we've been in an alliance from the beginning we reached an agreement ahead of time. Over this show we've become friends.” Tom smiled as he remembered the events of the show.
              “You mean that it doesn't matter who wins?” the host said while his face grew red. “By space you mean I wore this stupid, dorky purple beast of a suit for nothing!?” he yelled. He ripped the suit off and threw it on the floor. “I sweat buckets in this thing and you tell me it doesn't matter? They don't pay me enough for this! I'm going home, LIVE!” he started to march offstage. He then turned back and pulled an envelop from the suit and tore it open, pulling out a sheet of paper. “Oh, and according to this sheet of paper, the viewers have voted Tom the winner, though it doesn't matter now does it?” the host tossed the paper on the ground and finished his march offstage.
          On the tenth anniversary of them winning the show they took a picture of themselves standing in front of Tom's tank collection inside of Jerry's football stadium. Samantha was wearing her favorite heels and her most beautiful and expensive jewelry. But also standing next to them was the host in the same purple suit smiling very wide. The incident had also been very profitable for him. After the incident he had made a massive career of being the “short-tempered TV host that has to wear bad suits” as his “character”. So You Think You Can Be A Space Captain? lasted many more seasons, but was eventually beaten out by rival reality show, Real Alien Housewives of Mars.   

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