“Ding dong the
witch is dead!”
Hansel*
#quote
Today was
father's birthday and we had ice cream cake of the mint chocolate
chip variety. I recommend it as it is delicious and gives you
immunity to mind control.
So You Think
You Can Be A Space Captain?
“Welcome back dear audience for the
LIVE season finale of So You Think You Can Be A Space Captain?” a
man in a purple, sparkling suit said while stood next to three other
people in green space cadet uniforms sitting on a large blue couch.
The cadet uniforms were full of unnecessary folds and highly
impractical. They weren't actual cadet uniforms, as this was just a
reality show, for just, well, show. The real space cadets at home
were probably laughing their back space thrusters off looking at
them. “Over the season you've seen the contestants battle for these
slots in the final four.You've seen them voting each other off.
You've seen them competing in simulations to becoming Captain of the
week. You've seen them live the life on quarters of the spaceship
we've brought down here to Earth for them. You've seen them eat foods
from other planets. You've experienced the galactic experience along
with them and tonight one of them will win our 100 million galactic
credit prize and a tour of our own solar system's Captain's Academy!
And that winner will be determined after this commercial break we'll
be right back, LIVE!” As soon as the commercial came the host
pulled out a bottle of water from his pocket and chugged it. “By
space, live is easily my least favorite word in the
dictionary. This suit is an oven.” The host pulled off the suit to
reveal a shirt soaked it sweat. He practically collapsed when he sat
down.
“So, if you win, what are you going
to spend the prize money on?” Tom, the contestant on the left side
of the couch, asked Samantha, the contestant on the right side of the
couch.
“I'm going to give it all to charity
duh.” Samantha responded with a smile.
“Liar.” Jerry, the contestant in
the middle interjected.
“Fine. New wardrobe, then charity.”
Samantha groaned. Tom then laughed his trademark laugh. Throughout
the competition he always laughed and it made him quite the
character. The producers always made sure they had a camera set right
on him. They made him out to be the “quirky guy”.
“We all know we're all going to blow
the money. We're all human after all. The real question is on what. I hope we have sense to not quit our jobs when we get it, after
all I bet its going to go to our heads. Y'know. I wonder, maybe the
person who gets the money may actually turn out to be the loser!”
Tom laughed again. Tom's laugh could be endearing or annoying,
sometimes both at the same time.
“Well what do you think we're going
to get?” Jerry asked Tom.
“Hmm...Samantha's going to get a
massive mansion with a beach side view, with a room dedicated solely
to her clothes and closet full of shoes she will never wear as she
will have only two pairs of heels she'll actually like enough wear as
the rest are just ones she bought out of impulse because she thought
they were cute. Oh, and jewelry, lots and lots of jewelry. Me, I
dunno, I probably spend it on something much more impractical and
stupid like maybe, I dunno, a tank collection? Well that, plus the
usual luxuries like a fancy house, cars and such. Jerry, I'm guessing
you'd buy season tickets to every single sports game for the next
fifty years. I also figure you'll build your own football stadium
with one of those fancy retractable domes. Say, can I put my tanks in
it when your not using it?” Tom laughed. He was sad there could
only be one winner. He was glad that there was no bad blood between
them right now and he hoped that once the winner was announced that
they wouldn't hold any grudges over who won.
“Unfortunately there can only be one
winner Tom, you know that.” Samantha said.
“I know,” Tom sighed, “I was
just joking about the tank in the stadium part. Let's try not to have
any grudges no matter who wins okay?” Tom pleaded.
“Sure, and you're probably right,
whoever wins will blow the money we're only human after all, though I
hope they keep their job.” Samantha responded.
“I have an idea,” said Jerry, “how
about we do a sort of 'investment vow' whoever wins doesn't spend any
of it, immediately investing it and then taking the interest then
investing that until they have enough money to give the rest of us
the original prize money but the others do the same thing then we
live off the interest or further invest it become those invest it
rich people never ever blowing it. There won't be any bad blood
between us and we all end up rich. It'll take a long time though.”
Jerry had a very serious tone of voice.
“Do you realize how ridiculous you
sound? Do you honestly believe what what you just said? We've been
together on this show for months. I know you guys. All three of us
are not that smart, or savvy. I'm surprised we're the finalists
really. None of us could do your 'investment vow'.” Tom stared at
Jerry shocked that he could come up with such a wild idea.
“I agree.” Samantha looked at
Jerry blankly as her brain couldn't come up with much of a facial
expression to respond to him with.
“I disagree. Isn't the reason we're
all here because we never broke the the alliance we had while the
other contestants went crazy with backstabbing and doing elaborate voting
schemes? We beat that alliance of seven because we beat them in that
battle simulation where we didn't argue who took control of the
ship. By the way excellent job with the blasters back there
Samantha.” Jerry looked at them with a smile on his face. “The
only reason we're against each other now is because there's no one
else to go against.” Tom laughed. But not his usual annoying or
endearing laugh, but a much deeper laugh, something joyful and
playful but not silly.
“Guess your right, alright, I'll
take your 'investment vow' but I'm warning you, I'm only human.”
Tom smiled.
“Me too, I'm in.” When Samantha
thought about it, she remembered that Jerry was right.
“And I'm in.” Jerry said with a
look of satisfaction on his face.
“Welcome back to our LIVE
broadcast!” the host yelled, now back in his purple sparkling suit.
“And now for the moment you've been waiting for. The announcement
of the winner. We've tallied the votes from you, the viewers at home.
Who you decided has the potential to be a Space Captain. Is it Tom,
Samantha, Jerry? But before I announce the winner I have to ask, what
will you spend the money on?” Every season on So You Think You Can
Be A Space Captain? the host asks the contestants what they would
spend the money on. And this season the host was too busy fanning his
sweating face to pay attention to the conversation the contestants
had during the commercial break. “Samantha, how about you? What
would spend the money on?”
“I would invest the money and spread
the wealth with the remaining contestants.” Samantha replied
plainly.
“W-what?” the host had never
gotten an answer like that most contestants gave joke answers or
said charity. “Jerry, does this sudden charity to you shock you?”
“Not at all, I would do the same.”
“A-and you Tom?” the host turned
to the last contestant.
“Me too. Since we've
been in an alliance from the beginning we reached an agreement ahead
of time. Over this show we've become friends.” Tom smiled as he
remembered the events of the show.
“You mean that it doesn't matter who
wins?” the host said while his face grew red. “By space you mean
I wore this stupid, dorky purple beast of a suit for nothing!?” he
yelled. He ripped the suit off and threw it on the floor. “I sweat
buckets in this thing and you tell me it doesn't matter? They don't
pay me enough for this! I'm going home, LIVE!” he started to march
offstage. He then turned back and pulled an envelop from the suit and
tore it open, pulling out a sheet of paper. “Oh, and according to
this sheet of paper, the viewers have voted Tom the winner, though it
doesn't matter now does it?” the host tossed the paper on the
ground and finished his march offstage.
On the tenth
anniversary of them winning the show they took a picture of
themselves standing in front of Tom's tank collection inside of
Jerry's football stadium. Samantha was wearing her favorite heels and
her most beautiful and expensive jewelry. But also standing next to
them was the host in the same purple suit smiling very wide. The
incident had also been very profitable for him. After the incident he
had made a massive career of being the “short-tempered TV host that
has to wear bad suits” as his “character”. So You Think You Can
Be A Space Captain? lasted many more seasons, but was eventually
beaten out by rival reality show, Real Alien Housewives of Mars.
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