Judgement is Multiple Choice

Well had to take two Klonopin today, which is unfortunate since I missed the anime club I go to every week(this made me so mega sad, all my friends are there! Oh, noes!) Anyway, the Klonopin also made it very hard for me to write a story, so here's one from my archives way back from 2009. I've been feeling sick most of today, especially after taking the Klonopin but we avoided any big incidents. Anyway I hope you enjoy today's story!

Judgment is Multiple Choice

Saint Peter, our teacher, sat at his golden desk right next to the Pearly Gates. If we passed the exam we could walk through the Gates into infinite recess, however if we failed we would be sent straight to room 666 for eternal detention. Mr. Peter stood up from his desk, holding the cloud-white bubble sheets for the exam. He also had the question packets in hand; each had a smoke-black cover. The Saint walked to each of our desks looking at our faces with those ancient eyes as he handed out the materials for the exam, including silver coated pencils.

I looked around the classroom at the other students. Every one besides me was old. They must have died of natural causes, as most of them were wrinkled like throw away paper and had teeth like coral. I did not die of natural causes; a drive by shooting had taken me away from my parents at the age of sixteen.

Even in the afterlife I had my horrible acne, youthful strength, and ripe mind. I was still in school when I died, while these old men had left it fifty years ago. Hopefully this would give me an advantage on the exam. I started to clench my teeth in pain; I still had the bullet from the shooting in my heart. I hoped this hurt would not break my focus during the exam.

Saint Peter cleared his throat, “There is only one rule students, do not cheat on the exam. Anyone caught cheating will be immediately sent to detention. Begin.”

I flipped open the exam as I bubbled in my name on the answer sheet. I saw no words on the page. This was when Saint Peter turned off the lights and the font on the page appeared as a holy glow on the page. I started to read the question.

“If God was an animal, what animal would he be?” This question confused me. I expected questions regarding the secrets the universe, not this. I became even more surprised when I read the answers.

“A) Penguin”

“B) Bear”

“C) Dove”

When I saw dove I immediately reached for the bubble sheet. This question’s answer was glaringly obvious; the dove is a symbol of holiness, what a fitting animal for God. But before I began to fill in the bubble, the corner of the eye saw the answer D.

“D) Human”

I realized now the logic behind this question. Humans are animals, just like any other. And the Bible, our study guide, said that God crafted humans in his image. Thus God would be a human. I bubbled in the answer with great confidence. Smiling a little at my tiny show of enlightenment.

One other student noticed my confidence and decided to take a peek at my paper. As soon as he did the floor opened up beneath him sending him straight to detention screaming as the fire engulfed him. After that none of the students, including myself, dared to take their eyes off their paper.

The questions only became weirder, but somehow I managed to figure out God’s bizarre logic on each of them.

“What type of coupon is God most fond of?” The answer was, of course, buy one get one free. One of God’s many lessons is that if you give you shall receive. Next up: “If the square root of heaven is 42, and 42 is Elvis times love, what is Q?” Duh, I thought, the answer’s 1,345,001 and a half. Soon I began blazing through the test like some cleansing fire. Somehow, God’s backwards logic made sense to me. The answers just came to me as if he was whispering them in my head. Jesus’ dog, a pink skirt, foppish communism, Dennis and so many more answers came to me like I had all invited to some otherworldly birthday party.

The last question however, made no sense whatsoever. All the other questions had a perfectly logical answer, if you thought about it enough. This question however, lived as an abomination. I cringed as soon as I read it. Immediately the futility of thinking about it struck me. The question read:

“Box?”

“A) True”

“B) False”

I began to cry when I looked at the point value of the question written on the side of the page. This question was worth 50 points. The total exam points equaled 100! All the other questions were worth only a point apiece. Even if I get every other question right, if I don’t get this one, I cannot get a passing grade! How could I get this one right? I could guess, but I didn’t want to risk going to detention based on a written coin flip.

I cursed God for this question. All the confidence I gained from the other questions, the certainty I felt, was crushed by him in a moment. I damned him, and every person who had managed to pass this test from the blind luck question. Is this part of that damn divine plan of his? To leave a soul’s fate up to Lady Luck? The pain from the bullet in my chest hurt more than it had ever had before.

I cleared my mind. I figured I had to tackle this question whether or not I wanted to. However, before bubbling, I gave God a quick prayer. It was the best I could do, before I put my answer down: “D) False”.

The buzzer ran for time, several people didn’t even get past the first question, and were frantically filling in bubbles. Peter took everyone’s tests by force besides mine; I gave it to him willingly.

He went through the Pearly Gates to grade our tests. While he was gone the other students talked amongst themselves. Most of them complaining about how impossible the test was. But one of the other students did not complain, she sat in the very back. At first when I saw I thought I was looking at a statue. But no, before me sat a person, she looked to be half ready to turn to dust.

Saint Peter returned to the classroom, with the tests in hand. He frowned as he said, “I’m sorry, but only one of you got a passing grade.” He sighed as he pointed at the woman in the back, “Susan Smith, you may go to recess now.”

The woman stood up and slowly walked out of the classroom, the other students cursed at her. I was worried more about myself. I started to imagine detention, the fire tickling my feet like razors. Peter began to speak again.

“The rest of you will be sent to detention…except for you. See me after class.” Peter pointed at me. Suddenly all the other students dropped through the floor to room 666. I walked to the front of the room up to Saint Peter. What did he have to say to me I wondered.

“Adam, you’re grade was a 59.9 percent.” I felt ripped off, I mean, how the hell did I get .9 percent, all the questions were worth whole points! “Adam, let me tell you a secret. Whatever you answered on the test is irrelevant to your score; your score is completely determined by how you answer the questions. You were pretty arrogant during most of the test, however you showed humility and trusted your fate to God at the end. So I talked to Principle Jesus and we decided to round your grade up to a D. Welcome to heaven Adam.”