“Who let the
dogs out?”
Cruella
de Vil*
Today I came up
with an idea for pure, clean energy. I then forgot it. I'm really
sorry.
Anyway onto the
flash fiction!
Part of The
Battle
My last memory
was of my morning jog in the park. I awoke tied up with several
people hearing booming laughter. Crazed laughter. The kind of
laughter I've heard again and again on the news. It was the laughter
I heard in court because even those kind of people had trials before
the jury sent them to prison. I often prosecuted the kind of people
who laughed that twisted way.
It was super
villain laughter.
“Mwahahahhahaha!
Oh, you are some very lucky people my hostages! You get front row
seats to my domination of the world! You will witness the rise of
Doctor Metalmind as new king of the world.” The supervillain spread
his arms high into the sky. When I looked at him I immediately
noticed his namesake. Behind his normal face he head became a sort of
metal ball. I assumed it housed a robotic brain. Well, at least some
portion of his brain was robotic and it made him a “genius” yet
also crazy at the same time. That's usually how this works. I've run
into plenty of his kind before in court. It's pretty easy to
prosecute them when they start with the insanity plea and don't
realize how that works. “I was crazy so I didn't know what I was
doing.” Is what they say on the stand. You hatched an entire evil plan that took months of
preparation, networking with minions, and you knew the complete
consequences of your actions and monologued about them to people. You
knew what you were doing. Well, makes my job as a prosecutor easier.
Though the smug look on their faces when they first announce that and
think they have some sort of golden ticket and they've beaten me with
a single sentence really insults my intelligence.
“Please,
we all know you're going to screw up and fail. Again. Hey, what's
your threat level?” Superheroes keep a record of what considered
the relative threat level of supervillains. This is to better
distribute groups of superheroes. For example a lowly crook would be
class Z while someone as scary as Lord Zauyiz, one of the ultimate
supervillains, was class A. Supervillains keep track of it as an ego
thing.
Doctor
Metalmind then hit me straight across the face. “Shut up!” He
then pulled down my hair. “You'd better watch your tongue. The more
I think about it the women hostages like you are more
in-need-of-rescuing by heroes if they're wounded and beaten so you'd
better not make me angry.”
That was a
really stupid idea. I had become way to accustomed to being around
supervillains who had been cuffed and their powers neutralized in
court so they were harmless around me. I should be glad he didn't do
something worse to me.
I then heard a
huge explosion and a tall figure walked through a hole in the wall.
His body was so muscular and packed it looked almost like its edges
had been defined by a ruler. I knew those ridiculous proportions but
sight. They were the kind of people who brought the supervillain
defendants to me.
“Your evil
plans end here Doctor Metalmind!” The superhero walked confidently
into the room while knocking a few minions aside with little effort.
One of the many heroes with super strength. I didn't see any
technology on him. Maybe one of the super-serum or mutation guys, I
dunno.
“Captain
Super-Justice we meet again! Things will not end like they did
before! I have trained my mind. Upgraded my tech. You will not stand
a chance against my robotic psychic powers! Mwahahahahaha!” The
villain's laugh bounced through the lair like a bullet.
“Ha ha!”
The hero laughed in return. “You think a 'genius' villain like
yourself would be able to recognize simple patterns. I've beaten you
countless times before. I'll do it again.” When I heard the hero
exchange the laugh with the villain I realized that over the years in
court with heroes and villains they both often had the same kind of
arrogance in their laughs.
They began
their fight. At first I thought I would be blown away by seeing them
fight personally. Doctor Metalmind tossing equipment from his lab,
and even minions at the superhero and him bashing them away and
throwing things back. An exchange of power. Psychic blasts. Seeing
what other powers were in store. But it was boring for me. Even the
lighting that Doctor Metalmind shot and the rocking quake that the
hero caused by smashing his fists to the ground.
It bored me. A
fact in life is that supervillains often keep absurd amounts of
surveillance so their battles are often recorded and after their
battles with heroes take place this is seized by the police. I use
this as evidence to prosecute them. I've watched so many battles
between heroes and villains they've become boring for me. I watch
them over and over too. I have to show that even though the hero is
storming the villain's base the confrontation is of a superhero
nature. Superhero law is a very strange thing. I can't remember how
many psychic battles I've seen. I can't tell you how many different
battles I've seen.
When Doctor
Metalmind started losing he actually started to use us. “You failed
to notice that I had hostages hero! You may have gotten close to
beating me in combat but you will let me finish my plans if you value
the lives of these hostages!” Doctor Metalmind started moving
towards some sort of contraption with numerous unnecessarily large
buttons. Since I woke up later than the other hostages I had no idea
what it did, but I assume it was the device he planned to use to take
over the world.
“You
monster!”
I had seen this
in so many of my court cases. How many hostage cases had I
prosecuted? And how did the superhero solve it? He found some way to
attack to villain. How was it? Oh right, now I remember how half of
them did it. In fact, looking at the hero I was kind of annoyed he
couldn't figure it out. If the heroes asked each other how they did
things they should know.
“Just hit
him!” I yelled at the hero. “He can't be in multiple places at
once. He can't defend himself against you and attack us at the same
time!” Thinking about it Doctor Metalmind could threaten us and
defend himself with his psychic powers he was bright enough to carry
a gun but apparently he decided to only give them to his minions.
Apparently having his superpowers makes him not need one. Arrogant
supervillains. I suppose I should be glad though.
A swift punch
knocked out Doctor Metalmind. The way the superhero told the story to
the media it made it sound like I was just a helpful contributor and
just helpfully gave inspiration. When it came up in court though the
truer version was shown from Doctor Metalmind's surveillance. (The
ever so useful supervillain surveillance. It really is one of my best
friends.) Though being one of the hostages I couldn't prosecute the
case. Doctor Metalmind did get extra prison time for hitting me. But
unfortunately like many villains he did escape. It's like they're
made of cardboard I swear.
Least that
means I'm never out of a job.
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