“Gotta
catch'em all!”
Influenza
Genome Sequencing Project*
Well CJ's over
today so I wrote this one ahead of time yesterday but I'll still
think you'll like it. It made me smile while I wrote it. Enjoy!
A
Supervillian Has Had Worse Days Than This
Captain
Amazingcape was going to throw me into my own vat of acid that I was
going to use to kill him and many puppies because, well, I'm an evil
super villain. And if you're thinking “Hah! You were going to kill
puppies you're going to get what you deserved!” Jokes on you, I've
been through much worse than this. My name is Dr. Cleverplan. And I
assure you the villians are the ones that go through all the crap and
danger. Not the heroes. Think about it. Who gets in trouble in the
end? Yup. Oh and here's an off camera secret. Many of our plans
backfire before we're even finished. I had my face half eaten off by
my own zombie horde before I learned how to control them to unleash
them on the city. Fortunately I had my trusty healing serum around.
That's what I always use. And that's what's going to make this trip
into the vat of acid just another Monday.
Here's some of
the other garbage I've been in. I've been zapped by heat vision.
Punched by super strength. Dropped from incredible heights. Hung from
flagpoles of whatever nation the superhero lives in as “patriotic
justice” for hours. Longest time I think was 16. That's where they
put me to be picked up by the police instead of having the decency to
drop me off at the station. I've been dragged along by super-speed. Then there's being frozen by ice breath into a human pop cicle to be
shipped to prison because y'know rope couldn't work. Superheroes
always have to use their powers. Psychic ones violate my secrets or
stretch my limbs. I've been hypnotized to dance like a monkey. I've
been hit by several missiles because apparently they think I'm as
immortal as they are. Just because I have a protective robot suit
doesn't mean I'm a flying brick like you morons. Y'know I'm starting
to wonder if I'd be safer in my boxers.
But then again
that would make me an easier target for all the exploding arrows and
all the rabid super animals they have prancing around. They never
tell you but the animal's droppings are as radioactive as their
attacks. I found that out when I found them around my old fortresses
scavenging for parts. Oh yeah. And there's being stomped by one of
the giant ones. Do the heroes ever think that I have bones too? They
say they don't want to kill people but it sounds like they are
violent monsters worse than me and they just say “It was necessary”
or that “It was an accident”. You ever notice that villains have
plans while the heroes just barge in through the front doors like
crazed barbarians? I wanted to kill puppies for their puppy energy to
power my laser beams to take over the world. The hero dangling me
over the vat is doing out of petty spite.
And the
minions. Oh I'm not going to complain about minion behavior. Some
villains are stupid enough to do that. I mourn at their loss. How
many times I have posted guards and instead of the hero I dunno
showing off their heat vision and threatening them have they just go
and kill them right on the spot. Some of the minions the
heroes kill are my janitors. And I just didn't keep them privy
to my plans because I wanted to give them jobs when they were down on
their luck and I needed people. I figure them having a job to feed
their family while having ignorance is bliss is a good thing. But hey
if they don't have names the heroes will murder them like insects.
You'd think someone with super strength wouldn't have to kill someone
to get through my lair. And I have to write the letters to home. “Oh
yeah your mother/father is dead. Me, their employer, is actually
super villain and even though they were actually out of the way to my
control room the superheroes you used to trust decided to sweep my
lair and kill them anyway and maybe assumed the janitorial equipment
they were holding was some sort of disguise. That's the black/white
morality of superheroes! Here's a little a bonus along with their
last paycheck!”
So even though
this “hero” is going to drop me into my own vat of acid I can
take a healing serum for that since out of his arrogance he'll leave
me for dead. Like he did when he dropped off that cliff. Or when he
dropped me in that volcano. Or when left me in the arctic. Or when he
stranded me on that alien planet. So yeah. I have always had worse
days than this.
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