“Be kind, rewind.”
The Ring* #quote
You ever have that feeling where you think that chickens working for the government are plotting your demise? Me neither. Anyway onto the flash fiction!
The Three Little Pigs Rent Out
“Ah, yes Mr. John L. Pig?” I said as I knocked on the door with my gray furred paw. “I work for the government and there seems to be some concerns about your house both by your neighbors and with you renting it out.”
The owner of the house looked through the window on his door at me. He must have been short as he seemed to be standing to be on some sort of stool. He was a pig, which I assumed from his last name. I always hated working with them. Socially awkward for wolves like us even with the carnivore treaty from fifty years ago that regulated us carnivores to only eating chickens and fish, the animals considered dumb enough to be eatable. They couldn't talk after all like the rest of us. But there was still the awkwardness from the old days.
“What's wrong with my house?” the pig said to me with a glare.
I then replied, “Well the government considers it a saftey hazard to renters and neighbors fear that if a storm comes around debris from it will hit their houses.”
“I bet you by the hair on my chiny-chin-chin, my house is perfectly safe!” he yelled at me.
I then rolled my eyes. “For the love of...your house is made of straw! I could blow it over myself!”
The pig then gave me an arrogant smile. “Then do it!”
I replied, “Fine, I'll huff, and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!” So I took my biggest breath in and blew. I was famous for being a very big man and I in fact did blow down the straw house and its weak foundations. “There! At least you were standing next to the door so nothing big fell on you.”
“Why you!” the pig grumbled. “I'll just go work with my brother you'll see.” He quickly left.
Now I know that stupidity tended to run in the family so I looked into the family of this pig. It seemed he had two brothers. I went to the house of the brother he decided to work with.
I couldn't believe my eyes, it was a house of sticks.
“Um, hello?” I said after knocking on the door. Two pigs at this time looked at me this time. I started to wonder how they actually managed to make a working door with a straw house and a stick house.
“I heard what you did to my brother's straw house.” the stick house brother said to me.
The straw house brother then added, “And I guess you think my brother's house is a safety hazard too?”
“It could be worse!” I growled. “People could have their eyes poked out! Your straw house would crumble under rain, but this one is flimsy built sticks and could collapse on someone then have the grace to flood them with water!”
The straw brother then said with a glare, “You think you can blow this one down too?”
“Certainly!” I replied.
The stick brother then said, “Then do it.”
“Fine. I'll huff, and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!” I took in a massive breath and just like the straw house I blew it down.
Both brothers left with angry red faces the stick house brother saying. “We're just going to work with our eldest brother.”
I groaned. I looked up the last brother and I went to the last home. It was a brick house. Thank God. It was beautifully constructed. Perfectly safe. I looked around before approaching the door, everything was safe.
I knocked on the door and three pig brothers answered the door.
“So have you come to tell me my house is unsafe?” The brick house brother said to me.
I smiled. “Actually I inspected it. I think it is perfectly safe to rent out.”
“No!” the two other brothers added, “You have to be fair and try to blow down this house too!”
I looked at them. I couldn't believe it. They were actually serious.
“Fine.” I rolled my eyes. “I'll huff and puff, and I won't blow your house down but I'll try anyways because they asked me to.” I took a big, pointless breath and blew at the brick house.
“Try again!” the stick and straw house brother yelled at me.
I huffed and puffed again with obviously no success.
“Try again!” they yelled at me.
I glared at them. “No. This is stupid and I'm going home.”
When I went home that day I thought I couldn't possibly deal with anything stupider in my work dealing with renters, yet later that month I had to figure how to deal with seven dwarves and one resident of their home who was kinda, sorta sleeping/dead because of some magic poisoned apple. How do I put that down on my paper work?